Some of you may be familiar with the "Story" series of shows on the Lifetime channel. There's "A Dating Story", "A Wedding Story", "A Baby Story" and now, ridiculously enough, "A Personal Story". I'd have thought they were all personal stories, but I'm not a programming executive.
If you're not familiar with them, they're not difficult concepts. A Dating Story follows two people on... a date, surprisingly enough. I've watched it a couple of times and it seems to me like the date never quite works out. At the end of the date, the guy usually gets a hug, or maybe a quick peck on the cheek, and during the follow-up interviews the girl usually says something like, "Oh, yeah, he was pretty nice, but there wasn't any chemistry", and the guy always says something like, "I think she was really sweet and I'd probably go out with her again." Which kills me, because you know either they'll never talk to each other again, or the girl is going to be telling her roommate to tell the guy she's not home every time he calls. "Oh, Stephanie? She's... at the store. Yeah. We don't expect her back until... next week."
Shamefully, A Wedding Story was my favorite show when I was planning my own wedding. No surprise there - brides lose nearly all of their IQ points between the time they first put on the engagement ring until after the cake is eaten. Then somehow their brains come back online. It's baffling. I would watch A Wedding Story and critique everything from the rehearsal dinner to the bride's dress. It drove my fiancé mad. "Oh my God, would you just look at that flower arrangement! It's hideous!!" I don't watch it anymore. The thrill is gone, and my brain has started functioning again.
Now I'm into A Baby Story. What intrigues me most about this show is the fact that the people involved actually allow a film crew into their hospital rooms while the woman is giving birth. If I ever have a baby, I'm not even sure I want the doctor in there. It just seems so... crowded. And some of these women have their husbands, parents, in-laws, previous kids, best friends and high school science teachers with them. How much freaking support do you need? None of these people can push for you, after all. All these birth attendees seem like labor rubber-neckers to me - somewhat horrified, but completely unable to look away.
I will admit, though, that I tend to get misty-eyed every time the baby is finally born. Although that may be from wincing so hard while waiting for that damn shoulder to pop out. God, that looks painful.
All you mothers out there can stop chorusing, "It is!!" I salute you. Get off my back.
The latest offering in the lineup is "A Personal Story", which strikes me as a very vague name for a show. How much more personal can you get after letting a TV camera be aimed at your bare crotch (though said crotch is tastefully blurred out in post-production, since nobody actually knows where the baby is emerging from, right? Gotta keep up the mystery) Anyway, I won't be watching A Personal Story ever again. The idea behind this newest series is to follow someone as they prepare for the significant life changes surrounding their upcoming (drum roll, please) cosmetic surgery. OK, enough is enough. Watching people go on a date is a pretty old concept - a couple of different shows do this, and they're especially entertaining when the couple is having a terrible time. Following two people as they prepare for their wedding has a certain appeal, especially if you yourself are planning such a thing, if only for the free reign to snark on some people's truly abominable taste. And the Baby Story is ok, because, hey, watching someone else go through excruciating pain is better than doing it yourself. But cosmetic surgery? Not as life changing as they want me to think it is.
Fundamentally I'm against the idea of promoting going under the knife in order to find true happiness. If you choose to undergo plastic surgery, that's a totally personal choice and one only you can make. But keep it personal. Don't we have enough body image problems in this society without advocating major surgery to make it all better? And giving someone his or her 15 minutes of fame by televising their plastic surgery experience is certainly endorsing it as a solution to whatever dissatisfactions one may have regarding his or her body. Doubtless all these experiences turn out marvelously and we're subjugated to the final interview where the recipient of the new nose or forehead or whatever waxes poetic about the amazing difference in their lives since the surgery. Where's the warning that sometimes such surgeries go wrong? Where's the doctor pointing out the possibility of infection? What happens if you hate your new lips?
My other problem with this show stems from the projected concept that plastic surgery is one of the rites of passage of life. The other shows in the "Story" pantheon are geared around the horrors of dating (and don't we all know about that!), the significance and joy of committing to a life partner and the truly life altering experience of having children. They focus on these, though arguably they diminish the seriousness of the subject matter by minimizing the experience to 22 minutes of action. But plastic surgery is not a rite of passage! It's most often completely unnecessary and the vast majority of the population never has it done.
This Personal Story has gotten me thinking about what other shows Lifetime might come up with. I imagine that in 10 years we'll be subjected to the "Where Are They Now?" follow-ups on any number of these couples and babies. "Dating Story" will lead to "Restraining Order Story". "Wedding Story" already has its follow-up show in "Divorce Court". "Baby Story" needs to have the sister show "Custody Battle Story".
But beyond follow-ups, we should demand more reality TV that reflects true reality, don't you think? Because God knows, we're not nearly inundated with enough reality TV. I know I'm not completely sick and utterly disgusted by the whole movement yet. What about "Mid-Life Crisis Story"? Follow the madcap adventures of a balding man as he buys his first Porsche, dumps his devoted wife and takes up with a 22-year-old bimbo. Hilarious entertainment the whole family can enjoy!
Yes, I think I'm on to something here. And the possibilities are endless. For example:
I can't imagine that these wouldn't be hit shows. After all, the branch of reality TV that brings us up close and personal with people at the brink of life-changing events shouldn't be limited to only the happy life changes, should it? It just isn't reality if that's the case.
And we all know TV is the ultimate portrayer of reality, right?
- KNP, April 12, '02
