To: Michael Eisner, CEO, Disney Corporation
Dear Mr. Eisner,
My husband Dave and I visited the Southern California Disney parks this past week, taking in both the Disneyland park and the California Adventure as well as spending several hours at the Downtown Disney shopping area. We drove the six hours from our home in the San Francisco bay area, enjoying absolutely nothing scenic whatsoever since Interstate 5 is an amazingly bleak and boring stretch of highway. If you could do something about that we'd appreciate it, but if not we'll understand. It is clear that your influence, though vast, is not all encompassing.
The fact that you can only control so much is evident within the parks themselves. The well-documented exponential cost of wholesale Churros is the only explanation for the fact that the hot and tasty Mexican influenced treat is now a whopping $3.50 a pop at the cart near "It's a Small World". Why, I was at Costco just last week and an entire case of Churros was only $9.99, but I suppose I can understand the economics that demand that the price of a strip of deep fried dough covered with sugar and cinnamon be inflated to 8 times the original cost. You have a lot of people to pay, after all.
Please do not assume that my criticisms indicate any dissatisfaction with your product. Well, OK, you can assume that, but only to a degree. I am a long-time visitor to the Disney parks, and I hope never to lose the delight and anticipation that accompanies a visit to some of what I agree are the happiest places on earth. I've been a guest at Disney parks in California, Florida and Paris and I look forward to the day that I can visit the Disneyland park in Japan. I hope, however, that you do not sully the parks outside California with the "Adventure" concept that you are pushing in Anaheim. Because, frankly? It sucks big time.
The California Adventure park concept needs a lot of rework. I mean it - it doesn't deliver in the least, and the fact that you took up a goodly chunk of parking lot to execute it doesn't speak well for you at all. Trust me, I enjoyed the parking lot more than I enjoyed the park. You spent untold millions of dollars to create exactly two decent rides. You hear that? Two. That's not a good return on investment - even I know that. The "Soarin' Over California" ride is quite excellent, despite the highly self-conscious dropping of the "g" in "Soarin'" I'm willing to forgive that. I've seen pictures of you, Michael - can I call you Michael? - and I know you're an old white guy. You try to be hip and happenin' and you can't help it that you're surrounded by even more dorky white guys than yourself. That's forgivable. The end result of the ride is completely worthwhile and I forgive you a number of excesses and lapses in judgement just because you aided in the birth of such a ride. "Soarin' Over California" is the sort of ride that makes you forget where and what you are. It's perfectly executed. Even people who think they know what to expect cannot conceive of the joy on this ride. It's absolutely amazing.
Kudos also on the Grizzly River Run, a river rafting ride that gives Splash Mountain a run for its money in the you-will-get-wet department. I've ridden the River Run with very old ladies and very young boys and we all came out of it giggling our heads off and pointing at each other's drenched heads. While there's nothing terribly innovative about the River Run, it's good old-fashioned fun without turning to cheap theatrical tricks or gut-wrenching mechanics.
Speaking of vomit-inducing thrill rides, that's where California Adventure falls on its ass. Could someone please explain to me where a seaside midway complete with thrill rides fits into the Disney cannon?? I can't explain it at all - in fact, I can refute it:
A word may be said in regard to the concept and conduct of Disneyland's operational tone. Although various sections will have the fun and flavor of a carnival or amusement park, there will be none of the 'pitches,' game wheels, sharp practices and devices designed to milk the visitor's pocketbook.
- Walt Disney
So what's the deal with Paradise Pier, a dissatisfying tribute to carnivals the world over? It's full of $2-a-try midway games, numerous vomitrocious roller coasters and nauseating junkets of exactly the type I despise. Why on earth would I pay upwards of $50 to enter a park whose best offerings consist of exactly the kinds of experiences I don't go to Knott's Berry Farm for?
There is a ride at California Adventure that hasn't been open for almost 2 years (Superstar Limo) and a very small "Hollywood" area - a shadow of what is offered at Universal Studios. The "Bug's Life" land is themed for very young children - which I don't have - and only makes sense to me as a California adventure in the sense that I agree that California does indeed have bugs. As does every place but like, Antarctica, so I'm not sure why it's so Califonia-centric.
The show offerings include "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" which, need I point out, everyone and their grandmother is thoroughly sick of. Look Michael, we hate Regis, ok? We can't help it, he was on TV every 12 minutes for over 18 months - overexposed only begins to scratch the surface of an adjective for Regis. Other shows include the "Golden Dream" which, if you went to 4th grade in California, you've already covered in history class, and an Aladdin show that I couldn't get tickets for without spending an hour in line. And I've seen Aladdin, so... nothing new there.
Mr. Eisner, since your creative teams appear to have so much difficulty creating new and innovative guest adventures and reflecting the true nature of the California experience, my husband and I would like to offer the following attraction concepts for the California Adventure theme park. We are confident that these attractions reflect the Californian way of life and the indomitable spirit of those of us who choose to live here.
1) Power Wars: This dark ride, similar to the Haunted Mansion, gives guests an inside look at the nefarious doings of power companies throughout the region. There are thrills and chills aplenty as we witness secret board meetings, fly through detailed memos, and face the giant shredder. Watch as small elven creatures create power and then lock it far far away from Californians in a successful bid to raise the cost of energy. A rolling blackout means that guest conveyance will come to a slow stop and all guests will have to walk through the final dioramas, which, of course, will be too dark to see.
2) Goofy Gas Guzzlers: Guests will enjoy a topsy-turvy adventure through stop-and-go traffic in their very own Lincoln or Porche SUVs. Halfway through the ride their automobiles will come to a complete halt, having run out of gas, and everyone will have to pull out their wallets in a vain attempt to afford the spiraling price of unleaded gasoline.
3) Mickey Mouse High Tech Investments: Only for those with a strong stomach, this roller coaster takes adventurers and their stock prices higher and higher, soaring through dizzying firmaments of wealth, power, and the promise of a life free from worries and wants. Guests become exhausted from their long hours but ever more giddy in the face of their impending early retirement. Just when Evil Queen Management demands one last weekend of work, guests look down to see the infrastructure of their company crumbling beneath them and they experience a sickening drop in both their stomachs and their stock prices. The final tumble of this ride sends guests on their way with a boxes of worthless company memorabilia and a disturbing sense that they've wasted years of their lives.
Mr. Eisner, I very much hope that you will take these suggestions with the good faith and sincerity with which they were intended. As a die-hard Disney fanatic, I want only the best for Walt's legacy, and truly believe that California Adventure can represent our fair state accurately and entertainingly. If my husband or I can offer further guidance or additional ideas, please do not hesitate to contact us.
Yours truly,
Kristin and Dave
- KNP March 23, 2003
