Playing with Myself

Have you seen the K-mart ad for Joe Boxer underwear with the well-cut male model dancing around like a complete goof in his undies? If you haven't, you're totally missing out. First off, the dude is built, so he's definitely someone you want to see dancing around in his underpants. Second of all, he's partying to this terrifically cheesy music and I'm a sucker for the cheese factor. Lastly, he's having the time of his life. The expression on his face is beatific in its enjoyment. His eyes are wide with wonder and his mouth is a perfect "O" of joy. He grins wildly and rolls his eyes with ecstasy. He has happy feet and the bonus is that his underwear is comfortable so he can just get on with the dancing without concern for cutting and binding. He has no worries, nobody's watching and he's just going for it.

I'm half in love with that guy.

Dancing Beauty has me thinking about what I do when I'm alone in the house. My husband has been taking night classes for months, so once a week I have a night alone at home. On those nights I sometimes visit my parents or go out with a friend, but often I just like to hang around the house. I can eat cereal for dinner if I want and not have to worry about anyone else's nutritional needs. I can watch old episodes of "Clarissa Explains It All" and not have to feel embarrassed. And I can be as silly as I want to be, because I'm the only person whose funny bone I have to tickle. Between you and me? I entertain myself really well.

Ask yourself this question: when you're alone in the house, do you continue to follow the rules of propriety? Do you walk with purpose down the hall, without skipping, staying silent? Do you take your soda from the fridge, calmly go into the living room and turn on the TV without any intrigue whatsoever? Do you continue to act as though your mother, sibling, spouse or roommate is all of three feet away, ready to tag you with a raised eyebrow the second you do anything unexpected?

Why?

Personally, when I'm alone in the house, I like to add some color to my life. Nobody's there to catch me in the act, to ask me what I'm doing, so I don't have to explain myself to anybody. I always get my own jokes - and always long before I'd be able to explain why I'm giggling to someone else. I can crack myself up at will. I can pull any number of ridiculous stunts with eye shadow and at the end of the adventure I can tell myself, "Well, this is another fine mess I've gotten me into!" Then I can head off to take a shower and nobody's ever the wiser.

The Underpants Dancer is clearly alone in his apartment and that's why he's having such an unbridled good time. Nobody dances like that - or enjoys it so much - when the threat of being caught looms around the corner. You can let go when you're alone in the house. I heartily endorse extreme dancing in such a situation.

But maybe channeling Tom Cruise in "Risky Business" is too much for you to start with. I can understand that, but it does mean that you need help - and fast. Here, then, are 35 ways to get started entertaining yourself when left to your own devices.

1. When you're cooking dinner, approach the chicken on the cutting board cautiously, wielding the boning knife like a katana and intoning, "There can be only one!"
2. Get the dog excited by asking him repeatedly, in an increasingly excited voice, if he'd like to take part in the Iditarod next year. "Do you want to pull a sled across the wilderness, boy? Do you? Would you like that!?"
3. Crawl up the stairs on your belly, looking over your shoulder for snipers.
4. Watch a Little House on the Prairie rerun and cry inconsolably when they reveal that the childless old lady that Ma distrusts is actually dying painfully and Laura was her only friend in Walnut Grove.
5. Stick a piece of masking tape on the cat's head. Then, sit back and wait.
6. Narrate yourself making lunch a lá Wolfgang Puck. If you can't do an Austrian accent, all the better.
7. Talk to the bed while you're making it. Soothe it as you put on the fresh sheets. "There. Now isn't that nice? All fresh and clean and ready for sleepies."
8. Give a financial report as you pay the bills.
9. Play Abba's Greatest Hits while you clean house. Even vacuuming goes down better to "Dancing Queen".
10. Pretend you're Steve Irwin and clean the fishbowl. As you lift your fish out with the net, say "Aw, she almost tagged me! What a little beauty!"
11. Re-enact the death scene in Swan Lake on your way to the guest bathroom.
12. Lay with your feet propped up on the back of the couch and watch TV upside down.
13. Play "Only the Good Die Young" as loud as you can get away with and SING!
14. Teach your golden retriever how to do the tango. This works best if you yourself do not actually know how to tango.
15. Put some water in a Dixie cup and walk through the house blessing the furniture.
16. Do the Curly Shuffle.
17. Play Rock, Paper, Scissors with yourself. Lose often.
18. Deliver a hellfire and brimstone sermon while putting on your makeup.
19. Wander through the house imitating a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.
20. Give a Barbara Walters interview while you fold the laundry. "Yes, it was difficult on the way up, but my fans have made it worth every hardship."
21. Every time a cat leaves the room, announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, Riley has left the building."
22. Walk on your tiptoes all evening.
23. Listen to songs you don't know all the words to. Try to actually learn all the words, but when you forget some, make up new ones. The faster the song, the more entertainment value this has.
24. Light some relaxing candles. Each time a wick ignites, bellow, "Behold! I have power over earth and flame! Bow down before me!"
25. Set up an altar to waffles.
26. Wash the dishes and drop silverware into the soapy water, yelling "Bombs away!"
27. Make a detailed list of things you're too sexy for.
28. Give yourself a facial, and while you're waiting for the mask to dry, sing, "Eyes Without a Face."
29. Convince yourself that they can rebuild you. Better. Faster. Stronger.
30. Stage an intervention for your cat.
31. Play "Also Sprach Zarathustra" on the kazoo. Don't laugh.
32. Interview your houseplants for jobs you know they're not qualified to do.
33. Insult your refrigerator.
34. Accuse your television of crimes against humanity. Use specific examples to support your thesis. ("Small Wonder" is a good show to start with.)
35. Pretend you're undergoing KGB torture as you pluck your eyebrows. Know in your heart that they'll never get you to talk.

Once you're adept at being silly at home, the car is also an excellent place to entertain yourself. The radio factor alone can provide distraction for hours at a stretch - try talking back to the advertisements ("No I do NOT want to make more money!"). Reporting the actions of the cars around you in the style of John Madden can also be highly amusing ("And here comes the blue Toyota right up behind him and BOOM! cuts him off - that's gotta hurt!").

The whole point is that when you're alone, the thin veneer of adulthood should come off once in a while. Maybe these suggestions aren't your cup of tea, but I hope you'll use them as a jumping off point to find other ways to have more fun in your life. There are extremely high levels of stress and seriousness in the world today, and it sometimes feels like the very notion of being silly is reserved for television and Jim Carrey movies. The lack of balance is disturbing, and I, for one, want to reverse the trend.

Plus, Jim Carrey just isn't that funny.

- KNP Sept 1, 2002

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