Once again I've been lax in updating this site. I know. Don't beat me up any more than I've already been beaten up by my three other fans (Hi Dad! Hi Brat! Hi… oh, I guess that's it. You other people need to write to me! Make your voice heard! Because I'm an attention whore! Thank you).
A lot of stuff has gone down over the last month or so, the most pertinent being that I'm once again unemployed. I won't go into the gory details here, but suffice it to say that my goal now is to never, ever work in high tech again. That was pretty much my goal when I was laid off last year too, but things came up (things in long white envelopes. Things that start with the letter "B". Things that rhyme with "ills". I think we both know what I mean here) so I took what was available.
But this time I'm taking some time to reevaluate my life and figure out what I want to do when I grow up. First on the list is not to grow up at all because I firmly believe that while you're only young once, you can remain immature forever. So never fear - even if I find out that my goal in life is to become a Senator, I'll probably go on the campaign trail with a hand buzzer.
God, wouldn't you give anything to see Howard Dean shake hands with a constituent and ZZZTTT!! a hand buzz!? I know I would. But then I lead a very small life.
Anyway, this is the first week out of work for me, so of course I'm going all crazy selling my worthless junk on Amazon and cleaning the house up one side and down the other and making all sorts of plans for little projects around The Mecca. This is my tendency - I must keep busy or else I run a substantial risk of sitting in front of the TV watching The Apple Dumpling Gang and nobody wants that. Least of all me. Bill Bixby gives me hives.
So now I have this huge stack of used books, videos and DVDs crowding my office, which isn't that big to start with, and every 20 minutes I check my email to see if any kind soul has decided he can't live without my gently used 20 year old thesaurus. Dave bought me a new one for Christmas because apparently in the last 20 years they came up with a lot of new words. No, actually, the old one was abridged like crazy and the new one is enormous so I'm definitely getting the better end of the deal. Assuming somebody buys the old one. Which I'm not counting on.
Speaking of which, if you or anyone you know and love wants or needs a very lovely wedding dress - never used - in size 8, send me a note and I'll send you some pictures. I need the closet space and I won't be needing the dress. Yes, there's a long story behind that dress. No, I'm not going to tell it to you. A girl needs to retain her mystery.
Clearly I'm not above pimping my stuff on my own site, however…
Besides the cleaning frenzy, I haven't accomplished much this week. Oh wait, I take that back. I did finally get to see The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. I know, I know - the movie's been out for like, twelve years, and I've only just gotten around to seeing it. But people, it's three and a half hours long! I have the attention span of a gnat. This promised to be a true test of endurance and I really had to prep for it.
Now mind you, a few weeks ago I actually got through two hours of this movie. And liked them (though I was beginning to think, at about hour two, "This would be a real goddamn good time for the King to execute his promised Return. Because there has not been nearly enough tasty Viggo in this movie thus far and the humans? Are getting the living crap kicked out of them.") But my movie going partner wasn't feeling too hot and had to exit, stage left, just when Rohan showed up to help the… other guys. Gondola? Gondwanaland? Jondalar? I can't remember. I just saw the movie three days ago and I can't remember. Gondor? I think that's it.
I loved the trilogy, so please don't fire up your email and start sending me flame mail a lá "What a plebe you are! How could the fate of Middle Earth so completely escape even your puny brain, lepton!?" Because it didn't escape me. Nine times out of ten I remembered the difference between Sauron and Saruman. And between Moria and Mordor. But damn kids, there were a lot of names in this thing. And nobody issued you a Guide to Middle Earth when you went in, nor did Peter Jackson waste any time catching you up. Which again, I actually liked - I hate movies that hand the plot out to the audience like rewards for staying in the theater as though we're children who have to be coaxed into following the story.
But it can be a confusing experience to watch any of the three Lord of the Rings movies the first time if you, like me, have never read the books. God, the books… that's even worse than trying to follow the movie. At least I can put a visual to all the similar sounding names with the movie. Saruman? That's long, skinny Christopher Lee. Sauron? Huge man dressed all in black and missing a hand. Got it. With a book it's madly confusing. Again with that attention span thing.
And beyond just the names of the characters and places, every freaking item in the movie had a formal title. I've played D&D so I know how this goes. But boy, was it taken to extremes in Lord of the Rings. The Shards of Narsil. The Light of Earendil. The Sword of Elendil. The Council of Elrond. The Beacons of Gondor. The Year of the Cat… it was crazy, people! I've spent most of the week issuing serious sounding names to just about everything in the house because of this movie. Thus I present you with the Cuisinart of Countertop, the Chicken of Delicious Dinner, and the Telephone of Not Ringing Even Though I'm Expecting a Phone Call.
From a purely filmmaking perspective, I do have to say that The Return of the King was the steepest movie I think I've ever seen. Everybody was hanging out on precipices the likes of which I have never seen. It wasn't such a thrill for me, having, as I do, a mild fear of heights. Let's just say it was a damn good thing I was never burdened with the Ring, ok? Because between the staircase and the GIANT FREAKING SPIDER at the top? Middle Earth would have been one big orc party for the foreseeable future. I never would have gotten past the Dead City. Oh who am I kidding? I never would have gotten out of the first movie alive. I would have been one of the dumb Hobbits cooking sausages at Weathertop and getting the inadvertent attention of the Ringwraiths. And even if I was able to steer clear of the Nazgul there's no way I would have been able to avoid the Fell beasts and they're basically one and the same, you know.
Oh dear. I don't believe I just remembered all that stuff. I think I need to go lie down in the Bed of Cozy Blankets and take a Nap of Epic Proportions. I'll see you next week.
- KNP February 1, 2004
