Cheese and corn really have it bad, you know that? Both are lovely food items, full of bursting taste sensations, but add a "y" to the end of them and they turn into the very definition of tired and hackneyed. The Urban Dictionary defines corny as "Something presented as fresh or original, but which is actually tired and/or lame. Especially when its lameness derives from being obvious or done to death". That same dictionary refers to the word corny if you search for the word cheesy.
Some things appear to have an extremely high cheese factor when, in fact, they are the original thing and were hot as hell the first time around. Time and cynicism has turned them into something ridiculous by today's standards, but their fame lingers. They were once great for their greatness and now they're great for their corniness. It would be sad but for the fact that I live for the cheese factor. The goofier something is, the more I love it. Especially when it was once considered fabulous.
One of my favorite examples of excellence gone cheesy is the Rat Pack. Particularly those crooning cornerstones of the crowd, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis, Jr. Those swinging cats could bring the house down with their crazy cuckoo scenes. I don't understand it either - what with the smoking and drinking and endless racial jokes - but it was a different time. A time when you could light up on television. A time when women would practically crack their firmly coiffed heads open in order to get closer to oily boozehounds. A time when Dean, Frank and Sammy ruled.
Once a year I sort of long for that time. Briefly, and then I take my Prozac and get over it. But the longing is strong and I get my fix. That time of year is Christmas and my favorite dose of cheese at Christmas is my "Christmas with the Rat Pack" CD. They're kicking it into high, baby, and you're invited to come along! So grab your highball and join me now as we present the first ever K-Files CD review.
The CD opens strongly with a bopping jazz tune. Dean Martin convinces us that he doesn't care how much it may storm because "I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm". Dean is my favorite of the Rat Packers. He doesn't seem to take anything all that seriously, and I get the feeling that if I inadvertently offended him, he wouldn't send the mob after me to break my legs. I don't have that sort of assurance with Sinatra. Besides, Dean was in one of my favorite movies of all time, Rio Bravo, where he effortlessly and sympathetically played a drunk. No comments, please.
We move from the brassy horns of Martin's opening number to the tick-tocking entrance of Old Blue Eyes himself. But Sinatra's opening volley, "Mistletoe and Holly", falls flat. When he sings "Oh by gosh, by jingle, it's time for carols and Kris Kringle" he sounds like he is suffering from a massive hangover and needs a Tums, stat. A more appropriate lyric for the man might be "Oh by hell and fury, I need a vodka gimlet in a hurry" but maybe that's not in the right spirit for the season. Frank's too tough to sing about "giving the tree the trim" and "singing a yuletide hymn". He sounds embarrassed, and frankly (heh), so am I.
We pick up the pace greatly when Sammy Davis, Jr. arrives on the scene with the effluently loopy "It's Christmas Time all Over the World". There's a 50's "oriental" riff in this song that makes me cringe every time I hear it. Merry children wish us Christmas cheer in a whirlwind of languages, and an endless percussion section provided by jingle bells makes this song a jolly sugar-fest of holiday bliss. Don't drink too much eggnog before you listen to this piece - you'll be making a seasonal offering to the porcelain god pretty quick if you're not careful.
This is a good time to pose a question that has haunted me ever since I purchased this CD. What the heck is Sammy doing on the album? Wasn't he Jewish? Shouldn't he be singing "The Draedel Song"? Did he convert after he recorded the Christmas stuff? Was it the over-the-top Christmas music that finally pushed him away from Christianity with a fervent farewell?
It's not an uncommon response, I'm told. This music could do that to anyone...
Moving on, we have Sinatra's "First Noel", which is lovingly arranged, but always reminds me of a stage show. It's overproduced, and half the song is done by a chorus (presumably of angels, though I have no hard proof), which makes me wonder what Frank was doing while they sang. Lighting up a Salem? Mixing a martini? Come back to the studio and sing, my friend!
We're saved from this distraction by my absolute favorite piece on the CD. Dean Martin and a mystery woman (if you know who sang this with him, drop me a line!) sing "Baby It's Cold Outside". Others have tried this piece with almost no success whatsoever. I recently heard Barry Manilow try it. Hello? Barry Manilow? I'm SO not convinced that Manilow has the appeal to keep me in his apartment if I want to head home. I mean - puh-leeze.
Dino is smooth and persuasive, however, and he sings and acts his way through this song with aplomb. The first time I ever heard the piece, I admit I was pretty taken aback. The storyline is simple. Girl meets Boy. Girl is at Boy's apartment. Boy seeks entrance into Girl's pants, but Girl, though very into the heavy petting, is concerned about what the neighbor's will think (what, are the neighbors looking in the window or something?). Boy tries to get Girl drunk. Girl is actually quite willing to stick around, but has a strange compulsion to keep saying no. Audience is left at the end of the song suspecting that Boy got some nookie but Girl will probably never return his phone calls. Charming, eh? And yet it actually works, even though I really don't want it to. It wouldn't work (and doesn't work) if anybody in the world but Dean Martin sang it, but he pulls it off (no pun intended).
From the world of "No means No" we move into a heavy horn section with Sinatra again, this time singing "I Believe". No matter what anyone tells you, this is not a holiday song, despite the line "When it's Christmastime, I believe in Santa Claus". That's incidental. The song is a weird mélange of words that don't make sense. Frank tells us that he believes "things the daisy tells". What? What does that mean? It's a disturbing image, to be sure - Frank just sitting around, his ear to a flower (and don't try to tell me he's never been that drunk because I won't believe you). Beyond the bizarre sound picture, Sinatra is entirely too intense. He ends the song with the line "THAT'S [horns!] WHAT [horns!] I [horns!] HAPPEN [even more horns!] TO BELIEVE! [big honking horns!!]" Nobody was questioning you, Blue Eyes. Sit down and have a beer. Let someone else take the reins for a while.
For a respite, we have Dean's rendition of "Silver Bells", which he slurs though with moderate success. This is one of Martin's weaker moments. He sounds pretty sloshed. Those bells seem to be making him a little dizzy.
We move straight from Martin's city sidewalks dressed in holiday style to Sammy's watery version of "The Christmas Song". Dude. Nobody sings this song like Nat King Cole. Nobody should try. Period. Cole works the definitive "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" and we should let him keep it.
No, I mean it. Stop. Right now.
When we're done smacking Sammy around for trying too hard, Sinatra steps up to sing his little Mafia heart out on "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing". But he doesn't do anything spectacular with it. And again he lets the angel chorus do more of the work than he should. It's OK, but nothing standout.
Back in Dean's corner, my second favorite moment of the CD is up next. Dino's rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is as off the wall as they come. He calls the title character "Rudy" no less than four times! In the last verse, poor Rudolph is reduced to being a "red-beaked reindeer" for the hip quotient. But by far the biggest what-the-fuck? moment of the CD occurs when Dean, in some sort of accented alcoholic haze, sings "Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, 'Rudolph mit yer nose so bright, won't you guide mien sleigh tonight?'" When the hell did Santa turn German on us!? And … why…? Dino owes us a large explanation.
Before we can recover, Sinatra's up again with "The Christmas Waltz", which is actually a lovely song. I almost don't mind the lyric "Santa's on his way. He's filled his sleigh with things. Things for you and for me." Things? He's filled his sleigh with… things? That's it? Wow. Good. OK. Let's move on.
Now we move into the slow part of the CD. Slow in the sense that it's sort of tedious. Dean tries to make up for his German phase with "Let It Snow" and it's not too painful. He sings it at the right pace and seems to be enjoying the white and wonderful world outside. Nothing much to criticize here. Sinatra takes himself too seriously on "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" but it's relatively harmless. Dean returns to warble his way through a combination of "Peace on Earth/Silent Night". His Adam's apple must have been going a mile a minute on that one. Stand back.
Where did Sammy go? you're asking. Or not… I know I wasn't. But here he is anyway with the peppiest version of "Jingle Bells" on this CD. Please do not think too hard about the fact that it's the only version of "Jingle Bells" on this CD. It's catchy, I have to admit. The arrangement is conducive to the moment when Sammy enthusiastically lounges up the place with the line "Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! EVERYBODY!". I almost find myself singing along.
Almost.
Back to warble you to death is Dean Martin and his cover of "White Christmas". He swoops all the hell over the notes in this song, seemingly afraid of actually landing on one. Bing did it better.
"It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" is a song that Frank Sinatra was made for. He takes the responsibility of singing this song so seriously that it provides endless giggles. I can almost see him closing his eyes in reverence as the ever-present chorus does it's bit - just waiting to lay his olive oil voice all over this hymn. It comes off all drippy and slippery by the end. Not the way you want to think of your crèche scene.
Dean lightens things up with "Winter Wonderland" and then Frank brings the house back to depressionville with "I'll be Home For Christmas". Someone needs to get Old Blue Eyes some Zoloft or something. God. Talk about slowing things to a crawl.
Before we all head down to the river to throw ourselves in like so many George Bailey's, Dean's variety show saves the day. "Marshmallow World" is sung by all three Rat Packers to a live studio audience and while it's a little known holiday song, it's entertaining and energetic. There are audience laughs in the background, and the boys are clearly having a good time singing. Probably they were drunk.
No, let's be honest here. They were definitely drunk.
Dino closes the CD with an overly dramatic version of "Auld Lange Syne". You'd think old acquaintances were being forgotten because it's nuclear winter or something. The song itself isn't exactly the happiest tune ever, but this version sounds like a funeral dirge. At least until an unwelcome operatic woman sings "So long - it's been good to know you…" Then it just sounds funny.
I know it seems like I hate this CD or something. Nothing could be further from the truth. Of the numerous holiday CD's I own, this one is my favorite. I love the moments that make me go "huh?", which, I suspect, almost all come from just a little too much holiday cheer, if you know what I mean. Boozy, smoky renditions of hymns crack my shit up, especially when they're not intended to be funny. The Rat Pack had something special and I love to listen to it.
Although I tend to suspect that the "something special" came in a tall glass bottle. But that's the best way to get through the season, wouldn't you agree?
Cheers!
- KNP December 4, 2003
