Kristin: So I was having the best dream before the damn alarm went off this morning.
Brat: About who?
Kristin: How'd you know it was about someone?
Brat: The best dreams are always about someone.
Kristin: True. Anyway, it was about Keanu Reeves and an aerobics class.
Brat: Oh my. Details?
Kristin: Let's just say he looks hot in spandex and leave it at that.
Brat: That was never in question. Speaking of hotties, I found a new game for us. It's called "Marry, Screw, Kill".
Kristin: LOL. Any rules beyond the obvious?
Brat: Nope, it's pretty straightforward. I give you three names, and you decide which one you would kill, which one you would marry, and which one you would screw.
Kristin: Got it.
Brat: Okay, I'll start off easy. Harrison Ford, Keanu Reeves, and George Clooney
Kristin: How not easy is that!?
Brat: {giggle}
Kristin: I don't want to kill George Clooney!
Brat: That's the worst part of this game.
Kristin: But Harrison Ford is in love with Calista Flockhart so I know he wouldn't marry me, cuz... you know. The ass issue.
Brat: Oh they don't have choices here. Only you do.
Kristin: Ahhh... okay then. Marry Harrison Ford, screw Keanu Reeves, kill George Clooney, although deeply under protest.
Brat: See, me? I'd kill Harrison Ford, marry Keanu and screw Clooney.
Kristin: I don't think Keanu would be so interesting after a while...
Brat: No wait. I'd screw Keanu and marry Clooney. Yeah, you're right. I had the same thought.
Kristin: You would kill the roguish Han Solo?
Brat: In a heartbeat, sister.
Kristin: That's harsh dude.
Brat: I'm just inured to the roguish charm. Besides. Like you said. Calista Flockhart.
Kristin: Yeah... but I just couldn't do it to him. I don't feel like I know Clooney as well as I know Harrison.
Brat: And that? Makes George more attractive to me.
Kristin: I like the familiar. Thus the Ford marriage.
Brat: I can see that. I like the unknown. I think. Ok, it's your turn.
Kristin: Ok... Vin Diesel, Mark Wahlberg, and Jackie Chan.
Brat: Heavens. I can't kill Jackie Chan.
Kristin: If you pull the trigger on Jackie I'll never speak to you again.
Brat: I know! That's what I mean. Actually, I've got it. Marry Chan, screw Wahlberg, and kill Vin.
Kristin: Kill VIN!? The studly and highly muscled Vin!?
Brat: It's either him or Wahlberg. And you know? I think Wahlberg has a sense of humor and I don't think Vin does.
Kristin: Wow... you're ruthless.
Brat: I know what I like.
Kristin: That's an admirable quality.
Brat: OK, what would you do?
Kristin: Um... Marry Jackie, screw Vin and kill Marky Mark. Because the New Kids dance? Condemns him in a way that no washboard abs will ever overcome.
Brat: See I've never seen that, and it might've colored my judgment the same way.
Kristin: I assure you it would. My sister was just the right age for the New Kids so I was intimately familiar, against my will. All right. You're up.
Brat: Poor Kristin. Ok... Patrick Stewart, Sean Connery, and Tommy Lee Jones.
Kristin: That's easy. Screw Sean Connery, marry Patrick Stewart and kill Tommy Lee Jones.
Brat: You'd kill TOMMY LEE?
Kristin: I'd have to. I couldn't kill Picard or 007. Plus, while I like Tommy Lee, he has that funky skin, so if it came down to the bullet, he gets it. You?
Brat: I'd marry Connery, screw Jones, and kill Stewart.
Kristin: You'd kill Picard?
Brat: I would.
Kristin: Wow. Good think he's married to me. I might be able to beg for his life.
Brat: Don't count on it. I'm ruthless, remember?
Kristin: Truly ruthless. Got it. All right... let's see what I can come up with... OK, here we go. Wilford Brimley, William Shatner, and Giovanni Ribisi.
Brat: Roflmao!
Kristin: The table she has turned.
Brat: Wait, I need to look up Brimley
Kristin: You don't know who Wilford Brimley is!?
{brief pause}
Brat: Oh. Dude.
Kristin: LOL
Brat: Well. There's not much of an option. I'd have to screw Ribisi, marry Brimley ('cause I sure as hell ain't having sex with him), and kill Shatner.
Kristin: If you marry him, don't you have to consummate it at some point?
Brat: Well. Nothing says I have to be conscious at the time. God. Ew.
Kristin: I thought marriage was the one where you got to have sex with them for a long time, but after a while it got boring.
Brat: It's just marriage in and of itself... like who'd you spend the rest of your life with, sex notwithstanding. Or at least... that's what I'm saying... in this case.
Kristin: But you do sleep with them... I mean, a sexless marriage would suck. Unless you were married to Wilford Brimley.
Brat: Honey. Exactly. Besides, I'd have Ribisi to screw. Which isn't... better... but... it's an alternative.
Kristin: Ribisi? FREAKS me the hell out.
Brat: Well? And you would? Kill Ribisi?
Kristin: Gads. I don't even want to be in the same ROOM as any of these people.
Brat: You have to choose.
Kristin: Um... kill Brimley... oh shit... hold on...
Brat: Rofl
Kristin: Ok ok ok ok. In this hell of my own making, I would screw Ribisi (only once right!?), marry Shatner and kill Brimley. And now I so need to take a shower.
Brat: Ewwwww
Kristin: Is what I'm saying!
Brat: Ok. Tom Cruise, William H. Macy, and Ben Stiller. This one is easy.
Kristin: God, no kidding. Kill the Cruise, screw the Macy and marry the Stiller
Brat: I really wanted to put you in a position where you'd have to marry the Cruise.
Kristin: It's never marry the Cruise.
Brat: I'd screw the Stiller and marry the Macy. Stiller gives me a headache.
Kristin: Then how could you screw him? "Can't tonight Stiller. I have a headache."
Brat: Gag him first.
Kristin: Gagging him might constitute foreplay.
Brat: That? Is ok.
Kristin: {snicker} Ok got one. Tom Cruise, Commander Riker, and Doctor McCoy.
Brat: You're evil.
Kristin: It's payback for making me kill Clooney.
Brat: Kill the Cruise is a given. So I guess screw McCoy and marry Riker. And then invite him over to every one of your movie parties. And tell him you have the secret hots for him.
Kristin: Ugh
Brat: Heh. What would you do? Besides kill the Cruise?
Kristin: Kill the Cruise, yeah. Cuz it's always kill the Cruise. Screw Riker (cuz who hasn't he screwed?) and marry McCoy. He seems like a good provider.
Brat: Good point.
Kristin: Ooo! I have another good one!
Brat: Uh oh.
Kristin: Colonel Sanders, Ronald MacDonald, and Jack from Jack in the Box.
Brat: Roflmao! Um... kill the Colonel, screw Ronald, marry Jack.
Kristin: You know, that's the first one we totally agree on, I think. You have to marry Jack. Max Headroom's in there. Well, he's the voice anyway.
Brat: Is he??? No wonder I love him! I always thought he sounded familiar but couldn't place him.
Kristin: Yup. That's him. I think.
Brat: I love ... whatever his name is.
Kristin: Matt Frewer. Yeah, you really love him alright...
Brat: Yes. Matt Frewer. I love Matt Frewer. Ok I have a good one.
Kristin: If you make me kill Max Headroom...
Brat: Heeeeee. OK, Matt Frewer, Alton Brown, and David Duchovny
Kristin: DAMN YOU...
Brat: I know, I know, I made you kill Max Headroom!
Kristin: You did you bitch!
Brat: I revel in my own evil!
Kristin: Cuz I cannot kill Mulder and we've already established that I'm going to marry Alton! So we're killing Max Headroom, marrying Alton and screwing Duchovny (on a regular basis, I might add).
Brat: I have been avenged for having to marry Wilford Brimley!!
Kristin: I assume you'd be offing Alton with ease?
Brat: Hell no. I'm offing Duchovny. Under protest. I'm marrying Alton, too.
Kristin: Wow - really?
Brat: He's adorable, and funny, and he can cook, and he's employed.
Kristin: True... you were never as big into Duchovny as I was...
Brat: True that.
Kristin: What if we switched Duchovny with... Keanu?
Brat: Oh... ummm... then I'd off Max Headroom, and screw Keanu. Still would marry Alton.
Kristin: It's always marry Alton just like it's always kill the Cruise, isn't it?
Brat: Yeah. Thanks for clearing that up for us.
Kristin: Glad I could help.
- KNP July 20, 2003
