Try to contain yourself.
Essays are listed newest at the top to oldest at the bottom. Enjoy!
- Renovations - I won't do all this stuff... but I want to.
- Ho Bed - It was when we got to the bedding section that things Went Crazy.
- The Return of the Queen - I'm back and better than ever! Or at least I'm back and that should be enough.
The year of The Wolf...
- Festus Rodentia - They smoke, they drink, they hit on women. And they sing the best best damn holiday CD around. Bank on it!
- When the Lights Go Down in the City - Lack of coffee and pitch black restrooms. Go San Francisco!
- Help Wanted - I need to hire someone to help with the workload. And the people who send me their resumes? Yeah, they need help too.
- Goddess for Governor - With all this talk of a recall, I just had to get into the act.
- Too Personal For Me - If the packaging of a potential mate was accurately described to you, couldn't you just skip all the dancing around and get to the work? It might save some time.
- Heat De-Activated - When it gets hot, I sit the hell down. And you can't stop me.
- Ruthless People - The true story of the murder of Max Headroom and the wedding of Brat and Wilford Brimley.
- Enter the Demon - Perhaps a wooden coaster, which given it's construction has no loops, could be up my alley. Or perhaps not.
- Deathneyland - Happiest Place on Earth or Festering Pit of Ignoble Death? You make the call.
- When Good Food Goes Bad - I like to cook, but only those things you'd like to eat.
- Family Affair - If there are more than two kinds of the people in this world, I don't want to know about the others.
- Livin' La Vida Dorka - Maybe you know all that stuff too, since you're reading this from your computer. It doesn't really make us geeks.
- Taking AIM - Once again, Brat joins me on AIM to dissect wedding traditions, hallucinations and gay actors.
- Stalk Hard - On an early summer's day a young cat's mind turns to... bitterness?
- Zee Play - I didn't know it at the time, but I'd found my first software bug.
- BART Face - Why must you sit next to me? And why must you snore when you do it!?
- PriMevil - That short space of time, pregnant with possibility, is going to disappear the moment I say hello - when we get to the real nitty gritty of trying to understand each other.
- It's A Small Corporation, After All - An open letter to Michael Eisner, with just a few suggestions.
- Video Killed The Radio Star - I never thought I'd hear myself tell my husband, "Can't you just take the golf club in and bludgeon the guy to death?" but I said that in front of witnesses last week.
- Adventures in My Bathroom - The next time I get all creative, could someone sedate me until it passes?
- Time Killer - So, what is the most destructive force in the universe?
- You're Not the Boss of Me Now -
I'm rather sorry now that I didn't start bawling and fall to my knees,
crying out to heaven to smite the company and moaning about the loss of funds for the critical operation that my fish needed.
- Mission Statement - Some days I'm just too bitter to go to work.
- How Big Do You Think? - X-rated baked goods, too many beers, and things you should never ever ask a woman.
- The Bachelorette - The “Yippee! You’re getting married
so welcome to the Sorority of Chicks Who Have Done It” concept is pretty outdated
for my generation, but that’s sort of the theme of a bachelorette party.
The year of The Hamster...
The French Essays
- Open Wide - "How's the cha-cha looking?" is no way
to open a conversation, even with a licensed professional.
- You're No Fun Anymore - There's nothing festive about
being the only lunatic at work dressed up for Halloween.
- Idolatry - There's the regular kind of crush, and
then there's the "OK, I Don't Really Get It Either But I Would Stalk These Guys
If I Were That Type of Person and Please Don't Hurt Yourself Laughing At Me" group.
- The Pie-Eyed Piper - Unwanted visitors herald the
changing of the season.
- The Boys of Autumn - Men in tight pants
and family togetherness, that's what football means to me.
- I Was Warned - Spam from the far reaches of
the internet, dissected for your entertainment.
- It's a Rich Man's World - Can someone explain
this Kozlowski guy to me, please? Because I'm trying to figure out exactly
where he found a $445 pincushion.
- Toy Stores on Mars - In my quest for financial
independence I definitely started somewhere. Unfortunately, that somewhere was
on another planet.
- Free Dive - Anything seen from the surface is far
deeper than I could have imagined.
- Twin Paradox - I couldn't forget if I
tried, so what's with all the pressure to "remember"?
- Playing with Myself - Things we
should do when we're home alone.
- Letters I've Written, Never Meaning to Send -
I'll probably save the $0.37, but it won't help my blood pressure.
- Life Cubed - An exploration of the natural
environment of the Silicon Valley computer geek.
- Hoist the Boys - Brat joins me in the
chat room to ponder nicknames, boobs and sex in space.
- I'm A Bad Bad Girl - In which I bemoan my
lack of fashion sense and then come to terms with it in a hurry.
- Out of the Closet - Kristin fesses up.
Finally. It's a caring, sharing essay.
- All My Stories - Must we take
part in a personal story? Can't it just stay personal?
What happens when you take one California girl, marry her to a California boy, and
then move them to southern France 6 weeks after the wedding?