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03/22/2006: "Fiasco-tastic"
Did you think I'd died?
I didn't. The field trip almost killed me but I'm still here. Fiasco doesn't really begin to cover it. And before you ask? I don't know how the play was. I only saw the last 3 minutes of it.
Here's how the trip should have gone:
9 am - 4 busses arrive. 8th grade class boards busses, teachers call roll.
9:15 - busses leave and drive to San Jose
Just before 10 am - Busses arrive at theater. Unload students and get into theater.
10 am - Show begins
11:15 - performance ends.
11:15 - 12:40 - lunch and free time
12:45 - Busses arrive for return home. Board busses.
1 pm - Depart for home
1:40 - Arrive back at school.
This? Did not really happen. Here's how it actually went down:
9 am - Look outside. No busses
9:02 - No busses still. Feel blood pressure rising.
9:05 - No sign of the busses.
9:10 - Still no busses. Begin to freak out.
9:15 - Take class to the boarding area in the hopes that the busses with arrive if we are standing around waiting for them the same way a train will show up the second you light a cigarette.
9:20 - 3 busses arrive. Three. Not four. Three. We need four. There are three.
9:20 - 9:35 - Board the 3 busses. Ask where the hell the fourth bus is. Nobody knows. Perhaps it is on the way. Begin praying. Continue praying as frantic efforts (well, in your mind they are frantic. In point of fact they are rather lackadaisical) are made to locate the fourth bus.
9:37 - Decide to leave because you can't wait any longer. Depart school, leaving 70 kids and their teachers and chaperones behind, knowing that the 4th bus is on the way. Pray harder, even though you are an atheist.
9:40 - Head toward freeway, see 4th bus approaching school at slowest possible speed. Curse (silently as you are on a bus filled with students and parents).
9:41 - Call box office. No answer. Repeat every 2 minutes.
9:48 - Call theater company. Explain bus situation. Ask how long performance will be held. Grit teeth as snotty operator explains that performance will be held for 10 minutes as per policy. Wish to strangle operator through telephone.
9:52 - Hit traffic
9:53 - Watch helplessly as bus driver takes alternate route. Thank god you didn't drink coffee because you're about ready to jump out of your skin as it is.
10:15 - See theater. Watch as driver passes theater and takes unexpected alternate route to what you assume must be the bus drop off point.
10:16 - Tell bus driver, "This is not the right theater. Please keep driving. The theater we want is half a block that way. It's the one you passed, not this one which is BOARDED UP."
10:17 - Congratulate self for not strangling bus driver.
10:18 - Disembark bus, walk through mist (the wrong way) to find front of theater because bus driver did not in any way, shape or form park near the front of the theater.
10:22 - Herd three busloads of children in performance which started 10 minutes ago.
10:23 - Wonder what happened to the fourth bus.
10:24 - 10:52 - Work with another teacher on cell phone to locate LOST BUS. Try not to go into mild hysterics. Go into mild hysterics anyway. Wonder why the bus driver was so late, did not have directions, cannot find downtown San Jose and JUST MADE AN ILLEGAL RIGHT U-TURN IN FRONT OF TWO OTHER LANES OF TRAFFIC (according to on-bus teacher accounts, real-time).
10:53 - Flag down fourth bus.
10:54 - Show students which way to go to see the last 20 minutes of the performance. Grit teeth as bus driver nastily explains that the situation had nothing to do with her. Be glad when she drives away.
10:55 - Wonder where the boxes of lunches are.
10:59 - Go back to the bus that stayed at the theater and count boxes of lunches. Realize some are missing. Have bus driver radio driver of Magical Mystery Fourth Bus to see if she has the missing lunches. Listen as Haughty Miss Lost-A-Lot insists that "Didn't nobody put nothing under my bus".
11:01 - Haughty Miss Lost-A-Lot radios back. She has three boxes of lunches and will be back in a few minutes.
11:07 - Return to theater. Watch last scene of play.
11:13 - Herd 8th grade class of over 200 students to the back of the theater to locate and eat lunches.
11:27 - Lunches have been inhaled. Consider what students will do until busses return at approximately 12:45.
11:30 - Groan when you overhear that the theater is going to lock its doors now. There are no other bathrooms around.
11:32 - Hold breath as drops of water begin to fall from the sky. Refuse to believe in rain.
11:33 - Nearly pass out with relief when it becomes clear that the drops were merely shaken off a tree via wind and there is, actually, no rain. Continue disbelieving in rain in the hopes that rain will lose confidence and self-esteem and stay away from such a negative person as yourself.
11:33 - 12:40 - Keep students from killing themselves or others. Reflect that this is pretty much an ordinary work day in that regard. Refrain from punching parent who reflects gently that "This is a fiasco" and math teacher who muses "This really wasn't planned well at all was it?"
12:40 - Praise deity of choice when busses arrive.
12:45 - Herd children onto busses. Call roll 3 times because you're not convinced that the fates wouldn't let you leave a child behind.
12:48 - Busses depart.
1:35 - Return to school.
1:39 - Let classes back in classroom. Let them have the run of the place because they're all hyped up and what are you really going to accomplish in 30 minutes? Let them play chess and Scrabble. As long as nothing is airborne, you're ahead of the game.
2:04 - Gratefully listen to final bell ring.
2:05 - Consider what you'll be drinking now that it's the weekend.
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
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