09/17/2006: "Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time (9/09)"

Those who still check in will know that it's been a long time since I've updated. Some of that was because Greymatter got hosed a few months ago and all of my entries disappeared. This was disheartening, as you can probably imagine, and I was about ready to give up on the site. I realized that much of my writing was done for the benefit of my Dad, who, though I was really close to him, I usually didn't feel really comfortable telling what was in my heart. Writing it was so much easier. I'm not big on talking to people in any deep way anyhow - I hate the telephone, for example. So after he died, who was I writing for? I'm not a diary keeper, by nature, even though I always wish I was.

So I was about ready to drop the whole thing. But Dave, patient Dave, went online and found the Google cached versions of all the entries and then rebuilt the archives. I'm telling you, he's a keeper (but he's mine). Still, I spent the summer not really wanting to write. In the first place I don't turn my computer on very often in the summer since 1) it gets too hot upstairs and 2)I have little reason to need the computer. So I forget. Blog? What blog?

In the second place, I had some disappointing news over the summer. Dave and I have been trying for Baby #1 for a while now and we got pregnant in early June. Unfortunately I miscarried and, well, not being much of a talker, I didn't feel like writing about it until now. I'm still not sure I do want to write about it. It felt like such a waste of time, that pregnancy. I was angry - at myself for hoping, and at my HMO for not finding out sooner. I lost the pregnancy at the beginning of my 6th week and nobody figured it out until three weeks later. I spent those three weeks completely terrified because I had no symptoms of pregnancy and had had bleeding for almost 2 weeks. Once again, thanks Kaiser!

The whole thing, while not traumatic (the miscarriage wasn't painful in a physical way and I needed no medical interventions), has affected me in subtle ways. I cannot bring myself to watch "A Baby Story" anymore, a show I once loved. I want to knit baby socks from my leftover sock yarn, but never start them. This past Wednesday, when our amniocentisis was scheduled, I was a depressed mess most of the day. Things like that.

We're still trying, still hoping. As my 35th birthday edges closer I worry a little more, clasp my hands a little tighter when I think, "Please let it happen and stick this time". I don't think it's prayer exactly. My faith, such as it was, has taken a beating over the last 18 months and I have a hard time believing anyone's listening. It's more like I'm willing my body to listen. "You! Ovaries! Get cranking! And you, you stupid womb... nurture!!" But it hasn't worked so far.

Replies: 1 Comment - Go read it!

on Wednesday, September 20th, Heather said

I'm glad to see your back. I don't know you personally nor do I live anywhere near you, but I still check back on the site every once in a while to see what is going on in your life. You have had a lot on your plate this year and taking time off is justified IMO.

Sending baby vibes your way from Boston. (and hoping none reflect back on myself)

I'm not much for diaries either, nor do I have a computer at home, but blogs fascinate me.

Take care, Heather

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09/17/2006: "Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time (9/09)"