02/20/2007: "Love Letter"

Dear The Police,

Ok, seriously? Stop messing with my mind. I mean it. I am in a relatively fragile state (i.e. 6 months pregnant) and telling me that Sting is going to be in my neighborhood with Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland and that you are once again calling yourselves The Police and will be playing together like good boys again? That is exciting news, fellas. Extremely exciting.

You see, you are my favorite 80's band. I can sing everything you recorded by heart, including a lot of the more obscure stuff ("Voices in My Head", anyone? That's a hard one to sing, as abstract as it is). Also, I think "Canary in a Coalmine" is brilliant. I can practically draw the cover of Synchronicity - and I can't actually draw - but I studied it very hard in high school. This may or may not have been because of Sting's very buff exposed chest (let's be honest, there's no question. It is because of that). You are deep (for an 80's band) and you are funny and you have a dark sense of humor and you are the best band of my teen years, bar none.

Testify!

I admit that much of my adoration is directed at your Tantricly hot lead singer, who is still Very Hot despite the fact that he's getting a little stringy in his more advanced years. But still. Sting is my first smoking hot love which probably will never fade. And I admit that I've seen him twice in concert, once at the Oakland Coliseum and once at a much smaller theater in Berkeley. And I have all of his music too and can sing it all and like it very much (although I'm not actually all that fond of that last album. Ten Summoner's Tales was way better but I think Nothing Like the Sun was your best).

I saw "Bring on the Night" at the theater and was very moved when Trudie had the baby. In retrospect I think maybe I didn't actually need to see that, but there it was, and I was 14 and hormonal (a state I have just now become reaquainted with) so it was moving. I watched Dune all the way through several times because of the scene in which Sting comes out of the shower in his electric blue padded bikini. Again, I was 14.

And it was an electric blue padded bikini, people. I rest my case.

Anyway.

But I've never seen The Police in concert because I was too young when Synchronicity came out and then you Never. Toured. Again. You broke my heart, Police. You really did. And then you spent years and years saying you would never tour again, uh uh, no way, gimme a break, it'll never happen, don't hold your breath, we hate each other, no.

Until last week.

When you annoounced your tour dates, the closest you were getting to me was Las Vegas, and that wasn't gonna happen. A trip to Vegas is not in the cards right now (see: pregnant, above, and all its expenses). I resigned myself to missing the greatest reunion tour... possibly ever... and quietly went about my business. It wasn't too hard to accept, although a bitter pill, and I only bitched about it a little bit.

And then you announced more tour dates. You bastards.

It tuns out that you're coming to Oakland, which is a mere 25 minute drive from me. Tickets go on sale this Friday. You will be within spitting distance of me and my furious red hot burning love of all things Police. You're gonna be here!

7 days after my due date. I will either have a newborn, be in the process of having a newborn or will be wishing to God that the newborn would just be born already. How can this be? Do you hate me? What is wrong with you?? Didn't you know? Didn't you take this into account? and if you didn't, why the holy hell not?

I am deeply hurt by your disregard for my intense and pressing need to see you in concert. I am drastically disappointed by your choice of date. I think maybe that you planned this to torture me. I am not above considering this a conspiracy. You are mean and hateful and also your tickets are too expensive. It might sort have been very difficult for me to actually obtain those tickets and probably I would have not gone through the effort to spend over $200 to be in a huge stadium with you. But YOU DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE. I might have been willing to go to the effort and expense. Possibly. You never know. The thing is that we will never know now because I cannot possibly buy $200 worth of tickets for a concert that occurs 7 days after my due date. That would pretty much guarantee that I would go into labor the morning of the damn concert now wouldn't it? Also, I don't think, even if I wasn't in labor, that standing around for hours at a concert 41 weeks pregnant would be good for anyone, least of all me. Additionally I may have already had the baby and, as much as I intend to expose her to your music, I don't think the decibels at a concert would be good for her at such a tender age.

All in all, it's a really bad time to come to town. You will be touring for months and months and months. Why did you have to pick June to come here?

Oh, I can't even think about this anymore. It just upsets me too much. Y'all are mean and as the bumper sticker says, "Mean people suck."

Kisses (tinged with tears),
Kristin

P.S. Of course, this will not preclude me from purchasing any CD that you might release that contains any live performances or new music. Heavens no, perish the thought. I just thought you might want to know how sad you made me. That's all. I still love you and you can come to my house any time for apperitifs and finger foods.

Replies: 2 Comments - Read 'em!

on Tuesday, February 20th, Jeannie said

Grrr, that would drive me insane. Luckily for me, my new home is not a mecca for concert tours. Good Lord, Jimmy Buffet won't even grace us. BTW, I have not been above bragging about being to a LIVE JIMMY BUFFET CONCERT to the local parrotheads. It's a miracle I haven't yet been lynched.

on Wednesday, February 28th, Vicki said

OMG, I so could have written the same thing (except for the being pregnant part). I adore The Police, I adore Sting (seen him in concert 4 times). I missed the Synchronicity tour because my mom didn't think an 8th grader should be traveling 100 miles for a concert .

I'm desperately waiting for them to announce a show in this area, but even if they do, I'm not sure I can justify the money, the tickets are so expensive. However, I probably will go.

I'm sorry you won't be able to make the show but I'm glad to hear your little girl will get to hear all that good music as she grows up.

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02/20/2007: "Love Letter"