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[Previous entry: "The Baby Daddy"] [Next entry: "EXcellent!"]
06/18/2007: "Isn't it Ironic?"
Anyone who thinks that having (ahem) substantial chestitude will be sufficient to successfully feed their newborn child? I'm here to set you straight. Remember that FF cup size I referred to a while back? The cup size attached to my own chest? Yeah. I still have it.
And it's freaking worthless.
In the biggest irony of the western world, I am not producing anything like enough milk for my baby. It's pathetic, what I produce. And the fact that I've put up with my chest for well over half my life with the expectation that, "Well, at least when push comes to shove I'll be set in the breastfeeding department"... well, the whole thing pisses me off. I think it would piss you off too, if you'd put up with backaches, strap marks, granny bathing suits and everything else that goes with an overactive chest just to find out that HAHAHA! You cannot feed your child with those! They are for recreational use only!
God knows I've tried. I expected this to work, you see. I never doubted it would work. That's the worst part of it. It seemed so obvious. Clearly I would breastfeed, my baby would thrive, I would look at Dessa at 6 months and say, "Here is my child who has never taken anything but my own milk and look at her! She has grown! I did this with my own body!" I really wanted this to be a confirmation of my body's ability to do what it was supposedly designed to do. I mean, my body and I have never been on the best of terms - we've often been on opposite sides of the fence, as a matter of fact. I really expected pregnancy and breastfeeding to be a time where my body and I came to terms with each other, uneasy though the truce may have been. The gestational diabetes sort of got in the way of that during pregnancy (and the irony of being on an incredibly strict diet during a time when most women get to loosen the dietary straps just a tad wasn't lost on me, either) but I got over it. But my boobs? How could they not work? They've just been sitting there since I was twelve! Sure, they've been useful at times (in the same way that a mousetrap is useful for catching mice, I mean), but when called upon to work I really expected them to step up!
They have been distinctly disappointing.
Direct breastfeeding has been, generally speaking, extremely painful. Part of this was due to a bad latch, which was somewhat addressed when I saw a lactation consultant (a mildly bored but very businesslike woman who seemed a little amused by my anxiety and who slapped my left hand very hard three times when I tried to move my substantial leftover breast from my child's vulnerable nose. I kind of didn't like her very much but I'm intimidated by bossy women and assumed she knew what she was doing). Some of the pain, I think, has to do with an ongoing fight with thrush, which Dessa was diagnosed with 6 days into her life (where has she been that she picks these things up??) and which we're still working to address.
But the pain is a bit more than simple discomfort. I could put up with discomfort. Bursting into tears at 3 am isn't my idea of good bonding time. I've tried breastfeeding on demand, which mostly translated to "constantly" because of my poor supply and Dessa's desire to feed for comfort. She'll latch on for 4 or 5 minutes, fall asleep, suckle poorly for a few minutes, drop off, sleep for 5 or 10 minutes and then wake screaming to start again. For hours at a stretch. And every latch is excruciating. It's not anything like fun.
I've tried every home remedy I can find, with subpar results:
1) Fenugreek. Yeah, I'm taking it. 2 capsules, 3 times a day. Other than smelling like a maple syrup factory (which isn't completely unpleasant, but isn't terribly sophisticated), I haven't seen much of a difference in output.
2) Drinking lots of water. I'm well hydrated. I know this because of the number of trips I'm making to the bathroom and the fact that my perpetually chapped lips are clearing up. I keep drinking water. It's not doing much, but I'm drinking it.
3) Oatmeal. This was recommended to me by someone on a group forum, and I'd read it elsewhere. Since there was nothing oatmeal could do to hurt me I figured I'd try it. It hasn't changed a thing, but I'm getting satisfaction from being able to eat oatmeal again (it was too high carb before Dess was born) so I can't complain about it. It just doesn't help my output.
4) Pump This is the most depressing thing in the world. I pump in my office, because the wheeze of the pump is irritating and I don't like the idea of sitting in front of the TV watching myself being pulled unnaturally into the cups of the pump. It's not anything I want to do in front of anyone, even my ever loving husband. I pump, though I hate it, and get about a half an ounce. That's half an ounce, both breasts combined. Half an ounce. Dessa takes at least 2, if not 3 ounces per feeding. In 30 minutes I can coax half an ounce from my reluctant chest. Who wants to argue that I have a supply issue?
5) Beer. Several people suggested that a beer just before pumping would help – it’s too low alcohol for the booze to get into the milk if you pump immediately, and it clears the system before the next pumping. I actually tried this last night and got a little bit more, pumping, than I usually do (Whoo hoo! Almost a whole ounce!!!). Probably this was because it didn't hurt so damn much and I was a little more relaxed. However, if one is pumping multiple times a day, one can quickly see the problem with having a beer prior to each pumping session. Yeah, I just got rid of the beer belly look, thank you – I don’t want a real one. Not to mention the fact that 8 beers a day is far too many for anyone, let alone a new mom. One a day I can see. It doesn’t make enough of a difference in my let-down to have a parade, but when I’m done pumping I’m not quite as heartbroken.
6) Breastfeed more often. Tried it. Dessa lost weight without supplements - BIG supplements. Like, I'd feed for 90 minutes and then have to give her 1 to 1 1/2 ounces of formula. And if I didn't breastfeed at all, she'd only take two ounces total. For the math impaired, that means she was getting half an ounce from me - over 90 minutes - and then need everything else from formula. That's exactly what I'm pumping, so those who say that pumping isn't a fair representation of your output haven't met me, apparently.
I know the benefits of breastfeeding. God knows I know those benefits. I apologize to Dessa every damn time I put a bottle in her mouth. I know I could feed her with a dropper to try to reduce nipple confusion. I know I should put her to the breast more often than I have in the last few days; that I should work on the latch and get over the pain and just... keep trying. I know there are a lot of things I probably haven't tried yet. I know, I know, I know.
What I don't know is how to fix this without losing my mind – or if that’s even within the realm of possibility. Because if I know only one thing it's this: I need to feed my child, but I need to make it out the other side with my sanity intact, too. Dessa needs a stable mother more than she needs an insane one. And both of us are happier when she’s bottle feeding – me because I’m not in pain and my baby isn’t screaming for hours and Dessa because she’s not starving. There is the emotional disappointment to deal with, of course – I’m devastated that I can’t fulfill this most basic motherly function. But as with all my parental plans, this seems to be just one more thing I hadn’t counted on that I need to worth through. It wasn’t the way I wanted it, this fruitless pumping to meagerly augment my child’s intake… but it’s what I have to work with.
Lesson #273 learned, I guess. I don't have time to ponder what new curve might be coming. Moving on.
Replies: 2 Comments - Read 'em!
on Tuesday, June 19th, Vicki said
Oh, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are so not alone, both of my sisters dealt with horrible experiences with nursing, one sister managed to overcome them, the other didn't. I'm here to tell you that all my nieces and nephews are healthy, happy and flourishing whether they were nursed or not.
My advice to you is to find a new lactation consultant, contact the La Leche League, they can probably refer someone. But most of all, take care of you, you said it best, Dessa needs a healthy mom.
Hang in there, you've done an amazing thing, you had a baby, you rock!
on Monday, June 25th, Tina said
I know it is hard.. by my sister Becky, had the same issues as you and could not feed or pump beyond 1 month. She was so distraught and upset and felt like a bad mom, but DON'T! Like her, you gave it a try... not everyone can and it has nothing to do with you or being a bad mom!
Enjoy Dessa and give her a bottle so you can both enjoy !
You are a great mom! She is so beautiful!
Hope to see you guys soon!
Tina :P
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Notes from a Yarn Hacker
