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[Previous entry: "What credit crunch?"] [Next entry: "That's My Girl"] 04/05/2009: "So You've Decided It's Spring"
Well howdy little gardener! Hey, have you noticed a certain change in the air? Warmer temperatures? Butterflies? And have you noticed Mother and Father digging in your backyard? Those are sure signs of spring and I'm here to tell you that this is the very best time to make a perfect nuisance of yourself! All it takes it a little effort and know how! Let's get started!  This takes a lot more time than you'd think. First you have to find just the right spot for the chair. The best spot, obviously, is right in the middle of whatever your parents are trying to do at that very moment. They're not paying any attention to you! That will never do! If you see that they're trying to stage plants for the garden, for instance, make sure to drag your chair right in the middle of that. They'll certainly love you for it! Then be sure to yell a lot in frustration while you move the chair around. When Mother or Father try to help you, scream "No!" That will surely get your message across. Once you've found center stage, the next step is to laboriously climb into the chair.  Make sure to call a lot of attention to yourself while you're doing this. That way you'll ensure that Mother's heart is in her throat for the entire duration of your acrobatics. After all she didn't spend a fortune on that concrete just so you could effortlessly not crack your skull on it! Be sure to take at least 3 times as long as a normal person to settle yourself in your seat. Mother judges your love for your chair by how much climbing you do on it, after all! Now, look who's a big girl!  After having spent at least 5 full minutes monkeying around with the process of getting into the chair, be sure to sit there for only 6 seconds before sprinting off to your next Mission of Danger. It wouldn't do to let Mother and Father feel comfortable with your status for too long, right? Those parents of yours need to be kept on their toes! They have nothing else to do and it's your job to keep them occupied. What a fine helper you are! Why, at this rate the tomatoes will all be planted by September! After rushing out of your seat there's plenty more to do so let's get cracking!  Make certain to misuse any and all toys available to you. Plastic gardening tools make for fine Cat Frightening Equipment and should be wielded menacingly at all opportune moments. The cat simply adores being poked and prodded as you well know, and Mother and Father couldn't be prouder of your budding Cat Torturing Skills.  Ha ha! Where are you going, cat? Come on back for rollicking plastic rake fun! There's plenty more to dole out and you know you secretly love the attention!  If for some unfathomable reason the cat decides that hiding is more fun that being raked, add the alarmingly green plastic hoe to your arsenal and follow him everywhere. He'll learn! After Cat Scaring Time, it's probably good to take a little break.  If you do intend to spend any time in your chair, be certain to discard your sunglasses and hat immediately. Mother dearly loves to see you squint, and your fair skin requires a daily dose of irradiated sunlight. If Mother has the unmitigated gall to attempt to resettle a hat upon your head, a howl and a kick will generally set her straight. Silly Mother - take that! If you closely follow these directions, you too can have a wonderful time in the yard and ensure that Mother and Father accomplish next to nothing in your wake! Enjoy! |
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