We need an empty bed

I don't know exactly what made him change his mind, but Dr. LaidBack wants to induce tonight. It was pretty strange - while he was in the examining room doing yet another internal exam that hurt like hell (either he has short fingers or I have a long hoo-hoo because MAN oh MAN was there a lot of shoving going on) he was like, "Well, I'd like to see you again after your NST on Friday and you're not having contractions and there's been no progress so basically, make whatever offerings and sacrifices your heathen religion calls for because nothing is happening here" (I may have made that part about my religion up) and then I got dressed and went into the hall and he called me into his office all, "I'm on call tomorrow so if you want we can induce tonight and then I'll be there" as if it was my fondest wish to have him and only him delivery my child.

I could have kissed him, though, honest to God. I am beyond done here and have no belief at all that I will go into spontaneous labor before next Monday. Apparently he doesn't think so either so my chances of a non-progressive labor are as good (or bad) today as they would be next week. I guess that's the theory. I don't really know. I didn't ask. I didn't want to say the wrong thing and have him rethink the offer. It's like when someone at the store quotes the wrong price to you and you stand there watching them ring it up and you pay and they put it in a bag and you're waiting the whole time for someone to realize that you're getting an unholy deal and charge you the real price. Not that that's ever happened to me. But I can imagine what it would be like. And this was like that.

So now the only hurdle is to call at 5 pm and confirm that there is an open bed. It would be far too anti-climactic if there wasn't. I cannot think about that. Keep thinking empty bed thoughts. Visualize empty beds for me. See the empty bed in your mind. And envision me in it.

I thank you.

8:30 pm update: Going in at 10 pm. No more phone calls to L&D for permission. Yay! Here's to a speedy (but not ripping, tearing of flesh speedy) delivery!
Posted by GoddessKristin on 05/29/07 at 11:17 AM [link]

Long weekend

I'm still here. I'm still pregnant. There is no surprise in any of this. I feel irresponsible now if I go more than a few days without updating because I don't want anyone under the mistaken impression that I'm offline because of any event. I'm just offline because there's nothing to report. Still contracting a few times a day, sometimes with "hilarious" results (watch her not be able to walk around Borders for a full 4 minutes because her abdomen was rock hard and her sciatica prevented her from lifting her right leg! It's a laugh riot!). NST's are still showing a lovely reactive heartbeat and nothing to be concerned about. Blood sugars are all within normal range. I am a picture of health. Except for the crippling backaches and the gestational diabetes, of course. So easy to forget!

I'll see Dr. LaidBack again on Tuesday, at which time I suspect he will give me his usual cursory check and then tell me to call the labor and delivery department on June 4 unless I go into labor before then, goodbye. For someone I see because I am "high-risk" he has precious little to say to me. How's your blood sugar? All in range. Any pain? No. Anything unusual happen this week? No. Any questions? Not really. OK, see ya around.

I miss my midwife.

We finished the wardrobe this afternoon - hooray! Ikea finally got the missing shelves in stock - apparently the tree they were waiting for finally grew enough so that they could make the pressboard. I don't know what took 6 weeks but whatever. The shelves are now installed and the wardrobe is done. There are even handles; Dave took care of that some time ago. The only thing left to do for the nursery is to finish the bookcase and hang things on the walls. There are only a few things to hang, so that should take about 10 minutes flat. So close!

I've had a bit more energy this week so I've done more organizing and cleaning. Still not as much as I'd like to have finished but I get a little done each day. I got the carseat inspected yesterday so that's all safe and sound. I've made my third trip to Goodwill and am planning one more. There is still both a real list of things to do and my mental list but really, the baby could show up any time now and I'd be relatively OK with the state of things. This is saying a lot, although whether it's a commentary about how pleased I am with the state of the house or about how sick I am of being pregnant remains a bit of a mystery.

Anyhoo - no updates until after I see Dr. LaidBack on Tuesday, unless anything happens and I'm near the computer. So then... no updates until Tuesday afternoon. Have a good Memorial Day weekend!
Posted by GoddessKristin on 05/25/07 at 09:45 PM [link]

Being and Nothingness

So, officially I am full term as of today. According to Dr. Google, full term is anything after 38 weeks (some sources say 37 weeks) and today I am 38 weeks.

Fat lot of good it does me.

Dr. LaidBack, after a very uncomfortable internal exam that I do not wish to repeat any time soon, today declared me a fingertip dilated and says my cervix is still pretty thick. I think he told me the fingertip thing so I wouldn't throw myself out the window in a fit of hopelessness (his office in on the first floor so it's not as if I would have hurt myself, but the mess would have been a pain to clean up). Essentially absolutely nothing is happening as yet. It is beginning to feel as if nothing will ever happen, ever ever ever. I will be pregnant for the rest of my life and make it into the Guiness Book of World Records. I will never be able to shave my legs without holding my breath again and I shall never ever ever sip another dry martini before dinner, even if I live to be 100.

The situation is becoming desperate 'round these parts.

I realize that 38 weeks is hardly a brutal milestone. I realize that many an expectant mother has blown past 38, 39, 40, 41 weeks with nary a sign. I understand that babies born at 42 weeks are not at all uncommon.

I simply don't care. Those are other mothers. This is me we're talking about.

The fact of the matter is that I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks, 6 days. I have been obsessively aware of this child for 34 weeks and a day. I spent the first 14 weeks terrified of a miscarriage, the next 6 weeks worried about genetic testing, had about a month of relative breathing room and then began "Gestational Diabetes: The Glucosening". Concerned about everything from polyhydramniosis to shoulder dystocia I am only now coming to a place of relative peace with my blood sugars and only really worry about the baby's size in terms of my newest frightfest "Birth: Or What the Hell Was I Thinking?" Frankly, I am tired of thinking about the whole thing. I need the kind of break that a big bowl of ice cream provides... oh wait. Yeah, that may be the problem...

I vascillate wildly between complete conviction that this baby is never going to be born so I will clearly lose my mind at any moment, and the sure and certain knowledge that every pregnancy eventually does end in a haze of blood, pain and Jay-sus God I have to give birth to this thing, help me, oh dear Lord help me.

I'm a bag of fun these days.

At the very least, Dr. LaidBack scheduled my induction at my appointment today. If I don't go naturally before June 4, I will be induced then. This seems both very very soon (see "Oh Christ I have to pass this child through a very small opening, don't I?" mental state, above) and a lifetime away (witness my belief that I will never bear this child and will remain a pregnant freak of nature for the remainder of my days on Earth. Come visit my tent at the sideshow).

It's a strange thing to be able to hold both notions in one's mind, but I'm doing just fine with it. I'm a walking example of Hegelian philosophy, I suppose. I honestly believe that I will both never have this baby and also have it very soon. I just believe one thing more than the other at any given time and there's no predicting which I will cling on to more if you were to ask. There are trends, of course. When I look in the nursery and notice that we haven't hung up the pictures on the walls yet or look around the house and see that there are still things to organize I tend to believe in the immediate pending appearance of the child. When I watch "A Baby Story" and witness the burgeoning of new life on the screen I cannot connect it with myself and thus believe that the baby will never arrive.

It's only really confusing when I look around the house and my eyes sweep over the televised images of "A Baby Story". That's when it gets a little surreal.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 05/22/07 at 06:18 PM [link]

Nothin' Ever Happens 'Round Here

Boy oh boy they weren't kidding when they said the last few weeks of a pregnancy are worse than all the others combined (I don't know who "they" are, but they are right about a lot of things you know). I'm definitely more uncomfortable, sleeping worse and more emotional. Each day ticks by so slowly it's like being in a prison camp - my only real entertainments are twice weekly appointments at Kaiser and there's nothing actually entertaining about them; they merely help mark out the passage of time. I could knit but my attention span is terrible. My concentration is shot - gee, I wonder why? I could clean the house, I suppose, but between my back and my front (I am a heaving, wheezing mess when I try to bend at the waist) the results are barely worth the effort. I did four loads of laundry yesterday and then told Dave that I hoped he liked what he was wearing at that moment because I absolutely forbade him to get any other clothes dirty until I am post-partum. He laughed so I don't think he realized I was mostly serious.

According to this morning's non-stress test, I am actually having contractions. Or, at least, a contraction. A single contraction actually showed up on the monitor while I was hooked up, so now I know the difference between a contraction and the baby stretching around in there. There is precious little difference at the moment, to be honest. I cannot say with certainty that the event has repeated itself. I'm hesitant to commit myself in any way. I think that's because I really don't want to get into the mode of constant self-monitoring. I do enough checking in on myself as it is; if I start combining it with second guessing everything I will lose what little sanity I have left.

And I am slowly losing my mind, this much is certain. For the first time in, I think, ever, I do not want my husband to leave the house. I know he has to, for work at the very least, but I found myself very uncomfortable with that fact the other day. He had to drive out to Pinole or someplace like that and as soon as the front door closed I had the mildest of anxiety attacks. I've actually been having little mini panic attacks for about a week now - I think they're more physiological than psychological. I'm very short-waisted and the baby is taking up every smidge of room and hasn't dropped yet, so I'm really not getting good breaths. After a while, this shallow breathing catches up with me and my heart pounds a bit and my stomach flips over and I have to take some slow, deep breaths to make it go away.

It's either that or paralyzing fear about the impending birth. Take your pick.

In any case, I find myself more clingy and needy than I like to be. I am the sort of person who always said that I wasn't even sure I wanted the doctor at my birth - I'm very private that way. As I edge closer, though, that's changing. My mom described it as the herd instict - you know you can't really take complete care of yourself when you're this pregnant so you want others around for protection. That rings true for me. It goes against my nature but it's true. It's getting harder to be alone.

Doctor says we'll hope I'll go naturally before my due date and if not we'll induce then. At my next appointment I'm going to try to pin him down a bit more on that. I honestly wouldn't care so much except that I am just about at the end of my rope with the diabetes and a difference of a few days is a lot when you're talking about a plate of pasta. I really shouldn't complain because I know I have it very good, actually. I'm on very low doses of insulin and my numbers have been good. There have been no complications so far and everything looks great with the baby. For which I am suitably and completely grateful.

And yet.

Enough is becoming enough. Between the backaches and the poor sleep and the kicks in the bladder and all the rest of it, not being able to indulge in any of a myriad of pregnancy cravings is just adding insult to injury and, frankly, I'm about done. I've been good. Let's get this show on the road.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 05/18/07 at 10:48 PM [link]

She's a joker, she's a smoker

The 36 week ultrasound this morning was delightful. I say that with no sense of irony whatsoever, despite the fact that I was convinced when I saw the number of people in the radiology department that I was going to be stuck in the waiting room for at least an hour with a bladder full of Diet Pepsi. But we were called in 10 minutes after arrival and were out the door 20 minutes after that - bagged, tagged and with pictures.

Current estimate on baby size is 6 lbs 11 oz. I would be concerned about that, since babies gain about half a pound a week in this last month and another 2 pounds seems like a lot on top of 6 lbs 11 oz, but late term ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate. They can be up to a pound or more high sometimes. In a wild swing from my normal worrywart tendencies, I am choosing to assume that 6 lbs 11 oz is the very high end of possible and that I have nothing to worry about. Since I can do exactly nothing about her size except keep my blood sugar under control - which I'm doing - I must let go.

You getting this? I am letting go. Alert the freaking media. We will not pass this way again.

Other good news is that Dessa is head-down. There is precious little room for her in there these days so the odds of her flipping into a breech position now are pretty slim. She's been head down for weeks and although she’s a mover and shaker she hasn’t maneuvered into any compromising positions. That’s my girl! I am relieved to know this, as a friend of mine is going in for a C-section today because her boy is breech and won’t turn. I’m really working to avoid the C-section and passing the position milestone is happy news.

Since everything’s pretty tightly packed Chez Uterus, the images were sort of tricky to see. It’s a real tangle in there, but the face shots were relatively clear - to me, anyway. Dave was having a slightly harder time making out what we were looking at. I think that might be a hormone thing. I’m willing to see baby faces in the most obscure blobs possible. Strangely browned toast? Ah, it’s the image of my daughter! Mud puddles? My baby! Fluffy puffy clouds? Child of mine!

I am eager to bond, it seems.

In spite of my growing motherly tendencies, however, I’m still willing to call a spade a spade. The image I saw on the ultrasound machine and the one that got printed out? Not the same, methinks. Because it wasn’t until I got home and took a close look at the picture that the tech gave us:

that I was immediately reminded of this fellow:



You try to tell me that these are not the same person! My child bears more than a striking resemblance to Edward G. Robinson! All she needs is a smelly cigar! I don’t know what happened to the cute child in the 3D pictures, but this child is definitely up to something.

And if Edward G. Robinson doesn’t immediately spring to mind, I’ll bet you even money when you first laid eyes on that ultrasound picture, you thought of this guy:



Don’t lie. We see right through you. This is not a flattering ultrasound picture. Not that ultrasound images are exactly gorgeous, seeing as how the merest flip of the wrist turns a somewhat discernable face into Skeletor, but still. This one is quite bad. When we were watching the screen in the office we could see Dessa moving her mouth, presumably drinking amniotic fluid but I guess the subtleties there got washed together and we got this weird mouth going on.

Unless, of course, she actually is the reincarnation of Edward G. Robinson. Then we're in trouble.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 05/09/07 at 11:39 AM [link]

Shower!

This update is more than a week late, but I'm sort of lucky that I can think at all these days (and some would argue that I can't, actually), so there we are. I had my shower a little over a week ago and all I can say is WOW! We really had a great time and it's very clear that people are excited about this baby! It was so much fun to see all my friends and family and we got all kinds of wonderful gifts. My sister and our friend Sage really went to town on decorations - it was the best baby shower you could imagine. My brother in law also got involved in the act and there were streamers and balloons everywhere (he's quite tall) and the cutest desserts you can imagine (he's very creative). AC went with a duckie theme and her husband came up with this cake:

That cake wasn't just for looks, either - it was tasty. We cut off the head and gave it to Daddy Dave after the party - sort of a Godfather-esque thing, because we are sick and wrong that way. There was also a sheet cake for anyone who didn't want duck cake:



And those of us who couldn't partake of cake (namely diabetic me) were not to fret. There was still a festive dessert:



That's sugar free Jello, a food I can eat with abandon (and often do). My sister thought of everything!

Sage made the most beautiful "diaper cake" out of three sizes of disposable diapers. This is a woman with a four year-old and nine-month old twins. I don't know where she found the time to do this; she is simply amazing. It's now sitting in my living room, far too pretty to dismantle:



Since it was about 2 weeks after Easter, Dessa now has a collection of stuffed animals that Mom used to decorate the house for the party. There is a purple egg-shaped chick, a pink egg-shaped bunny rabbit, a hilarious duck on his stomach who quacks when you squeeze his wing and more. Here is AC and I as I opened the gift of the book "Giggle, Giggle, Quack" and the accompanying duck stuffed animal:



My mom has been very busy getting ready for this baby. In addition to the massive amounts of clothes shopping she's done she was busy knitting. She also made Dessa a "Quiet Book" where each page has some activity made out of fabric so there's nothing to bang:



I don't have many more pictures because I was sort of busy being the center of attention. I didn't get a good picture of my mother in law, for instance, who drove all the way from Oregon to be with us. It was really neat to have both grandmas at the shower. She's no slouch in the clothes department either and she also got us the pack 'n play which I think will save my life many times this summer when it gets too hot upstairs to want to lug the baby up there to change her or put her down for a nap. The pack 'n play has a little changing table and can double as a bassinet so I know we'll be using it a lot.

My little Honda CRV (which I never actually thought of as that little) was packed when I went home. It took Dave and I about 5 trips each to unload the car - people were incredibly generous. I was totally overwhelmed - my living room still looks like a Babies 'R Us exploded in there and I've been putting things away for a week...

Things are still in a bit of disarray around here but it's starting to come together. The wardrobe in the nursery is as finished as it can be for the moment (still need to get to IKEA for a few shelves and another clothes rod) and there's an unfinished bookshelf in the garage that needs to be taken care of. We found a used glider a few days ago and Mom's going to sew new covers for it for the nursery. We have a stroller now and will be buying the crib mattress this week. All in all it looks like we're going to have a baby around here soon. It's surreal.

My due date is 5 weeks from today and we know they won't let me go further than that. Most likely we're going early. And even with all these clothes and bottles and stuffed animals and books and diapers and... oh everything else...?

I still don't really believe it.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 05/01/07 at 10:20 AM [link]