There was a reason I changed careers over 3 years ago. I hated the high tech industry (I was a software test manager for those of you just tuning in) and I had had a series of really crappy bosses. I myself was no prize as an employee by that point, I'll admit, but I kept showing up, flailing about, trying my damndest to figure out what the hell my bosses wanted when, in fact, I don't really believe now that they knew themselves.
It was no party.
When I started seriously considering actually quitting my job and taking some time to figure out what I wanted to do, it was terrifying. I'd had a job consistently from the age of 19. How could I walk away from income? It seemed completely self-indulgent and irresponsible, particularly because my husband, who had been laid off, was working to start up his own business.
But finally the Sunday night blues that started on Friday afternoon became too much for me. I was a wreck. I knew I was no good to live with - hell, I didn't even want to live with myself. There were moments when I honestly considered some very drastic measures in order to exit my life and that's when I knew I was overdue for a serious re-evaluation. So I quit and tried to figure out what was next for me.
The question I kept coming back to was, "What is the hardest thing you can think of doing that you might still like?". I am not cut out for the military, the sciences or much in the way of physical jobs. I don't like blood and wanted decent hours. I like to cook but restaurant work is a pain in the ass. I wanted something where it was OK to stay off the career ladder - the constant grasping for a raise, a promotion, more employees was sickening in high tech and I was never a political monster anyway. I hated that there were politics at all and I was relatively bad at them.
I settled on teaching. Teaching is hard work, a constant challenge. But there are breaks and perks. Dave and I were considering kids at that point and a teacher has a good schedule, being off school with the kids. Teachers can leave after school and even if they bring work home with them, they're at home doing it. With their kids. Teaching is structured and I like structure.
Also, I am maybe a little bit bossy. Maybe.
I had originally thought that I only wanted to teach younger kids - kindergarten, first grade... nothing higher than third - no way. Then I was offered an internship as an 8th grade teacher. This is now my fourth year teaching 8th grade at the same school, and I enjoy what I do. I like the kids, the challenges, the humor it takes to get through the day. I like the family of teachers and the small community of the staff. I love how the day flies by - my workday never drags anymore. I'm in and out hardly before I know it.
I'd really thought that things like meetings, business trips and all that lot were out of my life forever. But late last year I was approached to be the curriculum leader for 8th grade. How this happened is a bit of a long story but all you really need to know is that there was a stipend and I figured we could use the money, especially with a new baby.
Oh, I knew that there would be some extra workdays, some extra work. I knew there were monthly meetings at the district office and more meetings with the leadership team. What I didn't know was that there could be a business trip involved.
I'm being offered the chance to fly down to San Diego in February with the leadership team for a symposium. It's a long weekend gig - fly down Thursday night, come back Sunday, back in class on Monday.
Dessa will be eight months and one week old. Not that I'm counting.
On the one hand it would be politically savvy for me to go to this thing, strengthen my connections, learn a lot. On the other hand, can I really pay attention if I constantly want to get up and call home to check the baby? Granted, my mom would have her on Friday and Dave is perfectly capable of caring for her and she'll be twice as old as she is now, but...
But...
How horrible of a mother would I be to leave my 8 month old for 3 days? As horrible as I was to go back to work when she was 11 weeks old? More horrible (... horribler?)
I really thought I was done with these questions because I'd gotten away from situations where they were even raised in the first place. The irony doesn't escape me.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 09/27/07 at 11:01 AM [link]
Wednesday, September 26th
So How About Gymboree?
Um, no.
Turns out that our local Gymboree is staffed by people I wouldn't trust to take out the garbage on time, let alone guide my child into a Wonderland of Social Self-Discovery. Or whatever it is Gymboree proports to do. I wouldn't know.
As regular readers know, I signed us up for a trial class at our local Gymboree this past Sunday. I'm all gung-ho about getting Dessa socialized, since she's an only child and there are no cousins, etc. of an appropriate age for her to play with. Basically Dave and I need to make friends and thus, make social contacts for the baby. Dave and I are not the most social people, so it's all as much for us to meet people as it is for her to have some playmates. I feel really strongly about this. I'm not the most comfortable person around others and I would like to help my baby over that, if possible.
So I was really ready to sign her up if she even remotely liked the class. On Saturday we got a message from Gymboree. A perky little chicklet (couldn't have been more than 17) was calling to confirm our Level 1 class at 9 PM.
The hell?
Common sense should have told our caller that 9 PM on a Sunday night was a ridiculous time for a class aimed at 0-6 month olds and their parents. The website, the confirmation emails, everything I'd seen said 9 AM, which made a lot more sense. Dave called to check into this oddness.
I only heard one side of the conversation, but it was enough. After Dave introduced himself and explained that he was calling because the message mentioned a 9 PM time and he thought the class was in the morning, things went something like this:
"So it's not at night, right?... She's signed up for Level 3?... What?... 1 PM?... I don't think so. She's only 4 months old... She needs level 1... 4 months old, yes.... so the class is actually at 9 am, right?... the Level 1 class?... At 9 AM in the morning?... Level 1, yes... Alright then. 9 AM.... Thank you."
I wasn't feeling confident.
On Sunday morning I actually had to wake Dave up to get to the class. Dess had awakened in plenty of time to eat, get changed and be pleasant so we were golden with her. 15 minutes before we needed to leave, I woke Dave up and dragged him off to the class. (To be fair, he was very pleasant about getting up and going but I felt bad because he's not big on sleeping in and here I was, waking him up).
I had a bad feeling when we got to the mall. 9 AM on a Sunday is slow at any mall (except on Christmas Eve) and this morning was no exception. When we got to Gymboree... you guessed it. It was empty.
The bubble-head behind the counter told us that, in fact, the Sunday morning Level 1 class had nobody at all signed up for it and that there was one family on a waiting list for when the class actually started. But, you know. No class, like... now.
Why, then, we inquired, were we called the day before to confirm a class that nobody was signed up for? Why did we get a confirmation for a class that wasn't going to be held? Why did someone bother to ensure we would show up for a class with no teacher?
The bubble-head demurred and told us, weakly, that we were welcome to go inside and use the equipment. Um... nifty, except that I don't know what most of it is good for with a 4 month old and also... the hell? Unsupervised, uninformed use of equipment? If I was a more stupid person I would have used the stuff, hoped for an accident and then sued for millions. Fortunately, I put my child's welfare over the size of my bank account.
I'm completely unimpressed, if you can't tell. I'm sure there are Gymboree franchises out there that are well-run, organized and have their act together. Ours isn't one of them. It's too bad, too, because I was really read to sign up. A regular, structured time together with other people around sounds really good about now. I'll keep looking for those opportunities. But I don't suspect I'll be willing to pay Gymboree prices for them.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 09/26/07 at 12:10 PM [link]
Tuesday, September 25th
Brilliant
I can see it all coming. For all the Moms out there and everybody who has a Mom.
For those who come here solely for a Dessa fix... sorry. Stay tuned - funny stories about pooping, rot-your-teeth-sweet pictures and horror tales of INABILITY TO GET TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW OH *GOD* I AM DYING BECAUSE I CAN'T SLEEP, RIGHT? coming soon.
For now... a dozen words or phrases that are not used nearly often enough to describe me (because, as you know... it's all about me):
1) Starlicious - I know it's not really a word. They used it on the E! television network and I should be ashamed to know that. This fact has not, however, rendered me unable to want to be starlicious at least once in my life.
2) Underweight - That's never been a problem.
3) Sweet-smelling - See, I have an itty bitty baby who I love beyond words. And she has an itty-bitty (read: huge) spitting up habit. The combination of my love for her (and hence desire to hold her close to me) and her spitting up? Well, it results in a hell of a lot more laundry, lemme tell you...
4) Athletic - My nickname has always been "Grace" because... it's irony! I am not graceful in the least! I can fall up stairs and I almost always have several bruises that I cannot explain. The best I can do is assume I walked into... something. Because I am forever walking into something so that is a safe assumption.
5) Secretive - I was raised Catholic, which means I have a built in need for confession. I may not tell every person everything but I can just about guarantee that I have told everything at least once. You just need to have all the right people in one place and you'd know all there is to know about me. Dave would be a good place to start.
6) Patient - I'm getting better at this since I became a teacher and very much better since becoming a mother, but I am not an inherently patient person. Never have been. I'm really working on enjoying my moments with Dessa because as much as I want her to sit up and play with toys and hand things to me? I also want her to stay as sweet and needy and sleepy as she is now.
7) Rich - Aaaaahahahahahahahaaaaaa! We are able to pay our bills and sometimes we eat outside our house so we are not poor. I know this. We are quite fortunate - I know this too. But anyone who calls the teacher and her self-employed husband rich? Would be laughed right the hell out of our mortgaged home.
8) Green-thumbed - I admit it. I totally want an amazing green yard with fragrant lavender and lush lawns and flowers but here's the problem (or problems). A) I live in California where we have droughts. B) I am too lazy to pick weeds. I get head-rushes when I lean over and I hate getting my hands dirty and also it is far too physical for me. My lily-white hands are too delicate for such endeavors. C) I HATE BUGS. Apparently one needs to have an affinity for our 6-8 legged friends in order to have luminous gardens and I? Hate those suckers.
I seem to need a gardener, but please see #7, above.
9) Rebellious - I think the furthest I ever went with regards to rebellion in high school was to wear my crisply laundered uniform shirt untucked from my itchy, unflattering, truly awful grey wool pleated skirt. And I got called on it a few times by the dean of girls so it was sort of a rebellion. Kind of.
But sad. So, so sad.
10) Risk-taker - OoOoohohohohoooohahahahaa! Here is a short list of Very Safe Things I Will Never Take Part In Because I Am A Huge Chicken:
- Disney's Tower of Terror - Hot air ballooning - Standing at the edge of the Sears Tower and looking down at the street below like Ferris Bueller did - Any roller coaster that hangs on the edge and just stops there... waiting... before it falls 90 degrees to its doom
See any themes here?
11) Health-nut - I will always prefer Pop-Tarts to wheatgrass and there is not a damn thing you can do to change that.
12) Well-rested - I may never get enough sleep again. Even when I get a full 8 hours I feel like I need a full 8 hours. 8th graders are exhausting. Not to mention the baby.
In fact, can I go to sleep right now?
Posted by GoddessKristin on 09/19/07 at 01:10 PM [link]
Wednesday, September 12th
You know how I love a deal
I was doing some "freebase googling" (which is what I call it when I search for random things that enter my head into Google and just start following links) yesterday and found out that you can get a free class at Gymboree. There's a Gymboree about 5 minutes away from our house and Dave and I have talked about getting Dess signed up for it since long before she was born. The only thing is that I don't know anyone who has done Gymboree so I have no idea if Dess (or Dave and I) would like the classes.
Enter the free option. Just click the link and find a freebie class in your area! We're going on September 23 and I'm really psyched about it. If it's something we like, we might sign up since I like the idea of it. We'll see - more info as I get it.
For now, if anyone reading has done Gymboree and has feedback, please let me know. And if you take advantage of the free offer, let me know your thoughts as well!
We had a really great weekend these past few days, though as usual it was too damn short. Dessa could hardly have been better and I actually got out of the house a lot, which was fantastic.
On Friday night we all went to Costco and Lucky for groceries. I put Dess in the Baby Bjorn, facing outward and she was a peach. She has moved into a phase where she wants to see everyone and everything at all times and if she cannot, she is Very Unhappy Indeed. Costco was a veritable wonderland for her and she loved checking out the place. I don't think she made a sound the whole time but her eyes were huge. Same with Lucky, except near the end she conked out and was fast asleep. There might be nothing cuter than a sleeping baby in a Baby Bjorn because they just hang there. It's hilarious.
She slept through until 8 am Saturday morning, another blessing. Then she and I were off to the one-day sale at Macy's while Dave shampooed the downstairs carpet (do I have a great hubby or what?). Macy's was a bit of a madhouse but we got 2 adorable onesies, a shirt and pants combo and the cutest dress you've ever seen for half off. In fact, the onsies were, like, 70% off, so I was in hog heaven. I almost didn't get the dress, because it was $30 regularly and I would never buy a $30 dress for a baby, but it was half off... and I loved it... and we had a gift certificate from our neighbor, so I wasn't actually paying for it anyway.
I'd planned out what we were buying so it would hit as close to the amount on the gift certificate. After 45 minutes in line (!!!!!), where Dessa charmed the pants off everyone she saw, we got to the checkout. This sweet guy was doing the checking out and when we get up there he thanks us for waiting so long, then leans over and makes funny faces at the baby to make her smile. Then he tells me that the line would probably be totally gone in another half an hour or so because "the $10 coupon expires at one o'clock." I nod, wondering about this coupon I didn't have, but figured it must be for Macy's cardholders or something.
"Did you have a coupon?" he asks me.
"I don't actually. Wish I did," I reply, pulling my gift certificate out of my purse.
He looks around furtively and opens a drawer. "I'll give it to you. No worries."
So we got everything for, like, $23. I was so glad I decided to get that dress!
After we escaped from Macy's we went to the Disney store and Gymboree (sales! SALES!) and then to Red Robin for some lunch. Dess fell asleep as she took her bottle, leaving me to enjoy my lunch in peace - it was a master stroke of timing on her part. As we left, she woke up again and happily checked out the rest of shopping, then fell asleep in the car on the way home and took a nice long nap. Heaven!
She slept through Saturday night well and we were up at around 8:30 am on Sunday. Dave and I took her out to breakfast with us, where again she fell asleep and let us eat. She stayed sleeping while we browsed the bookstore, a rare treat. We had a birthday party to go to in the late afternoon and she was a little overtired by then so there was some fussing and crying, but honestly, she was really amazing the whole weekend. She really held it together well and I couldn't have been prouder of her.
She's getting to this great stage where, if she's not hungry and not too overtired she's totally engaged and into being out of the house. She made about 20 new friends in line at the stores - she catches people's eyes, stares and then breaks into her grin and it just cracks people up. It's really fun being out with her and I suspect it'll only get better. Too cool!
Posted by GoddessKristin on 09/10/07 at 11:00 AM [link]
Thursday, September 6th
A Tale of Two Mornings
We're still working on our routines Chez YarnHacker, since they seem to change randomly. One day Dessa will eat on the dot of 6:30 am, 10:30, 2:30, 6 pm and 9:30 pm, drop off to sleep and I have to wake her the next morning to get going. Another day she might skip the last feeding altogether and still sleep until 6 am.
Or... she might not.
I'm still trying to let her set the pace as much as possible, since I think she really knows best when she's hungry or tired. I take my cues from her - I know when she's tired because she fusses a certain way, or rubs her eyes or has a certain cry. This does mean that some nights I'm up in the middle of the night because I didn't wake her at 10 pm and force a bottle into her mouth. I'm OK with that. Some folks want to stick to a strict schedule - I'm not one of them.
Some mornings are rough and some are simple. Some are effortless and some are ear-splitting. Most are just fine because I'm with my sweetie and even when it's tough, it's good. Each day is a surprise.
For example, yesterday morning Dess woke up around 5 am, kicking and fussing but still sleepy. Her eyes weren't open and she wasn't really awake, so I picked her up and brought her to bed with me. We cuddled up close and after about 5 minutes of sleepy restlessness on her part, she fell back to sleep as did I. We had a good 45 minutes of sleep together and when my clock radio came on I was sad to have to get up. One of my favorite things in the world is to sleep like that with my baby - it's a true joy to me. But I did have to get up, so I did. Dessa stayed asleep and let me get dressed, eat breakfast and get all ready to go. I even skipped changing, dressing and feeding her so she could stay asleep and just brought her right over to my Mom's in her sleeper.
This morning was a slightly different story. I have nobody to blame but myself really. Dess had fought napping all afternoon and into the evening. After I fed her at 6:15 pm she finally fell into a deep sleep, and I was loathe to wake her. I put her to bed and decided to try to color my hair while she slept (gotta get rid of those grays!) and was completely successful - that kid was out. So after my shower it was about 9:30 and I fell into bed and joined my daughter in dreamland.
Until 3 am.
A quick feeding led to a bit of a battle to get back to sleep. Dess just didn't want to go back to sleep. At one point I was pacing the bedroom in the dark and when I looked down at her I saw her big bright eyes wide open watching me. When she saw I was looking at her, she broke into her big happy grin. Who could be upset with such a happy baby, even if she was keeping me from sleep?
That all changed pretty rapidly, unfortunately. She cried from 3:45 to 4:30 am. Just when I was starting to lose hope... she was out again. Some switch somewhere got flipped and bang - goodnight, Mother. And she slept until I had to wake her up to go.
Looking back, even when it's bad, it's pretty good. I just love to be with her, to hold her, to feel her. I organize things very tightly at school so I can get out as quickly as possible and still have everything ready for the next day so I can be reunited with her as soon as I can be. Even if that does mean pacing the floor at 3 am. I'm OK with that.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 09/06/07 at 10:57 AM [link]
Notes from a Yarn Hacker
