Where has she been?

I'm lazy.

(Does that work?)

I haven't had much to write about.

(Better?)

It's been crazy at work and by the time I get home and get Dessa conked out I don't have any energy to write blog entries.

(Piss poor. Even for me.)

I'm going to have an operation in an hour.

(True, but a gigantic cop-out.)

I've been in sort of a funk for the past few weeks and not very interesting, even to myself.

Ah! There's the truth!

So, um, yeah. I haven't written in a while. For all the above reasons. Which are not excuses exactly but just... truisms. This holiday season is taking it out of me and I'm not exactly sure why. I've been weepy for the past 2 weeks and was willing to blame it on hormones (so easy!) but that's passed so I dunno.

I am, in fact, going into surgery in about an hour (or to be more precise I'm heading to the hospital in an hour) to have the plate and screws removed from my leg and maybe that's contributing to my malaise. The very idea of again being temporarily slowed during the holidays is a crummy one. And I did have to get my shopping and all that stuff done before today (which I did not do, despite heroic efforts) because I don't know just exactly how down I'm going to be, so things were sort of crazy.

But none of that is enough to account for this general crappy feeling.

I actually think that a great deal of it is missing my Dad so much it's a physical ache sometimes, especially so when I watch Dessa play and learn. The holidays bring all my pointless wishing to a perfect stabbing edge - I want him to see her and want her to know him and it is almost too much to wrap my mind around that it Cannot Happen. It is unthinkable. And acceptance is hard.

Fortunately, Dessa keeps me busy enough for only momentary navel-gazing.

She continues to be a delight, even when she's pulling toddler attitude (which happens relatively rarely I think. She is easily distracted by songs). Her vocabulary is expanding in entertaining ways (her latest is a high pitched, "Really!?" but her r's are off so it comes out "Weally!?!?" and kills me on a daily basis) and she loves to dance. The dancing talent she unfortunately inherited from me, so that when she does dance she looks like nothing so much as a spastic robot. It is endearing nonetheless and I intend to enroll her in a top notch dance school as soon as possible to counteract any affect that my lack of grace has had on her.

It took us three attempts to see Santa this year, which is a record any way you look at it. The first time we went the camera wasn't working (!). The second time we forgot it was Sunday and Santa wasn't showing up until 2 hours after we did (!!). But the third time was a charm - in that Santa was actually there and the camera was working. Finally, we were in business.

Or so we thought. Dessa had other ideas.

Though interested in the Big Guy, Dessa emphatically did NOT want to be left with him. This was That Year, you see. The year in which the child does not, under any circumstances, think that it would be wise to have anything close to proximity to Santa.

Happily, this is a great Santa. First he stayed very still and closed his eyes while we approached, so as not to be loud or scary. Dessa sent him a few mildly freaked out looks and turned her attention everywhere else. Soon we started chatting with Santa and Dessa clung to Daddy like a monkey. Eventually Santa took off his gloves and started asking for high-fives, which Dessa gave happily, laughing even, but she also clearly sent DO NOT REMOVE ME FROM DADDY'S ARMS vibes. And then Santa said, "OK, well, could you give me a hug goodbye?" which Dessa did, and as we slipped our daughter into Santa's waiting arms, Dave and I exited, stage right...and we got this picture in which Dessa is right on the brink of a complete flip-out.

It is possible we have scarred her for life, but the picture cracks me up. She's trying so hard but knows this is Such a Bad Idea...

Her interest in all things Christmas is wonderful to watch, though. The Christmas tree is of great interest and she waves night-night to it every evening, yelling, "Bye tee!" along with her litany of night-nights ("Bye Daddy! Bye Mommy! Bye Nana! Bye Wiley! Bye Tee!"). I suspect it's a stalling tactic but it's endearing nonetheless. And even when she grabs an ornament for further inspection, she's fun to watch.



I'm sort of crazy about her, as you might be able to tell.
Posted by GoddessKristin on 12/16/08 at 11:25 AM [link]